May 5, 2008

Supporting Children through Divorce

          Each year divorce impacts millions of children – children whose parents are divorcing in 2008 and grown adult/children whose parents divorced decades ago.  Even in the most amicable of divorces, children can feel caught in the middle.  Parents need to find ways to support their children and understand how their behavior can impact children immediately as well as years down the road.

          The University of Missouri Extension Service has penned a great piece entitled, the "Children's Bill of Rights".  Children of divorce have:

          - The right to be free from parental conflict.

          - The right to love both parents.

          - The right to be loved and supported by both parents.

          - The right to spend time with each parent.

          - The right to be treated as a human being and not as a possession.

          - The right to enjoy being with both parents.

          - The right to have pictures from the past.

          - The right to the best financial support by both parents.

          - The right to develop or maintain a relationship with each parent.

          - The right to have a relationship with all grandparents and relatives.

          - The right to be free from choosing one parent over the other.

   To make sure that children have the opportunity to enjoy those rights, divorcing parents can support their children by -

          Maintaining a stable routine.    Children feel more secure when there is consistency and predictability in their lives. Continue routines such as bedtime rituals, reading books together, and celebrating birthdays and holidays. Make every effort to keep children in the same school and neighborhood.

          Helping children share their feelings. Children of divorcing parents experience a wide range of emotions, including fear, sadness, anger, guilt, rejection, and loneliness. Children need time to mourn their lost family and adjust to new circumstances. Outbursts of anger, such as tantrums and shouting, are normal. Offering solutions is not always necessary. Just hearing your children out can be helpful. Very young children may be better able to express their feeling through a drawing. If your children don’t want to talk to you, encourage them to talk with someone else, such as a family friend or another family.

          Reassuring your child that the divorce is not their fault.    Children can mistakenly believe that they are the cause of a divorce. Often they think that if they had behaved better or done better in school, Mom and Dad would still be together.  Reassure your child that the divorce is not his/her fault. When telling your child about the divorce, choose your words with care.

          Don’t use your child as a go-between.  Don’t send messages to your ex-spouse through your child or ask your child for information about your ex-spouse. Keep adult communications direct between adults. Control your emotions and restrain yourself from saying negative things about the other parent in front of your child. If your child complains about his other parent, encourage him to talk directly with that parent.

          Allow your child to be a child. Children need their parents to be the grownups. While some responsibility is great for children, they should not be expected to counsel you, comfort you, make meals for the family, or be your sounding board about important decisions.

          Answers their questions about how their life will and will not change. Whatever your child's immediate reaction, it's important to provide answers about how life will change and what will stay the same.  “Who will I live with? Where will I go to school? , Will we move? Where will mom live and where will dad live? , Will I still get to see my friends? , Will I have to go to a different school? , and Can I still go to camp this summer?” are just some of the questions your child might have.