Karen's Keynotes
by Karen Armstrong, Human Development Extension Agent
Rolette County

Healing Holiday Rituals

We all have our own ideas about how to celebrate the holidays. We may to go see our parents or other relatives. We may take a family vacation. Either way we are likely to follow a set pattern of rituals about when we eat and what we eat, attending church services, and gift exchanges. These rituals identify us as a family and give us a common focus. But sometimes we don’t feel like celebrating. This is true especially after the death of a loved one. The anticipated pain of  holiday activities without the loved one can be overwhelming. Some families respond by stopping the holiday rituals entirely. But family members who choose not to get together are more likely to end up alone in their sadness, without the support and love that would be available in a family gathering.
Holiday celebrations hold the potential for healing. Rituals give us places to explore the meaning of our lives and to rework and rebuild family relationships. If you’ve lost the person who “made the holiday” for your family, it’s important to talk about who will take over this role and how it will be carried out. Does one person ( or more than one) want to take on this position? What does this mean for family relationships? How can shifts be made in ways that honor what has come before and acknowledge changing family relationships?

Some families try to carry on as if nothing happened. They agree to not talk about their loss over the holidays. This ends up with everyone following a rigid routine that has no meaning. The starting place is to acknowledge that this holiday season will be different. Decide together how to celebrate the holidays without your loved one and start thinking about building in a specific way to honor or memorialize the person you have lost.

Tell stories an look at photos and videos from prior holidays. This will certainly generate both laughter and tears. Recall warm memories. “Remember how Grandma used to love singing that song.” When the adults do this in a comfortable way, it will help free children to also say what they are feeling.

Play remember when....? This can be a wonderful game. Just go around the table and have everyone share a favorite memory. It’s a way to bring the family together.

If things are not the same this year because some people will be missing from your celebration or you will be with a different set of friends or relatives, don’t hesitate to create new rituals together.

While continuity is important, rituals need to be flexible enough to accommodate shifting needs.

Reach out to others. In addition to family and close friends, invite people you don’t normally invite to your house for a holiday celebration. Honor everyone’s holiday tradition in some way. Have everyone say his or her own grace, let them have their special food or song, etc.

Rituals, whether old or new, are unifying. They bring us together as family and help us deal with loss.

Calendar

10 Healthy Eating Over the Holidays, 12:30 Dunseith Senior Citizens Center

11 Taking Charge Too, 10 a.m.-4:30 p.m., Bismarck

12 Healthy Eating Over the Holidays, 12:15 Rolla Senior Citizens Center

12 Youth Leadership Workshop, 6 p.m., Fayes Albert Building

14 Healthy Eating Over the Holidays, 12:00 Rolette Senior Citizens Center

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Updated November 29 ,2001 Shelley Armstrong Webmaster