Karen's Keynotes
by Karen Armstrong, Human Development Extension Agent
Rolette County

Parenting to the Differences in Boys and Girls

Get a group of parents together and no doubt the discussion will include differences between children and gender. Who’s easier? Who’s better behaved? Who’s better at what? Research related to gender difference in children is occurring.Using medical-imaging technology neuroscientists are noting that girls’ and boys’ brains look and operate somewhat differently. These differences are thought to influence an array of characteristics in children: how fast they reach certain developmental milestones, how they play, the toys they like and even some aspects of their personalities.

Be aware that gender research is about groups of boys and girls and won’t necessarily apply to your child or other children you know. For example when studies show that girls talk earlier than boys, it means girls as a group compared with boys as a group. We are likely to see more variation between two children, regardless of their sex, than we will see between a group of boys and a group of  girls.

Psychologists viewing videos of mothers and infants can see that sons behave differently with their mothers than their daughters, even when their mothers treat them basically the same. It comes as no surprise that researchers also found that parents do treat their sons and daughters differently. This in turn can contribute to disparities in boys’ and girls’ behavior, temperament, academic performance and even health.

Here are some suggestion form gender-development researchers on ways that parents can meet the different needs of their sons and daughters in the first two years of life. Research suggest that infant boys need more attention than infant girls. They are more fragile medically, more easily stressed and often harder to calm now. Yet many parents hold back from  giving their sons too much attention, for fear of turning them into “momma boys”. However some research has been found that when deprived of affection, boys’ intellectual development suffers more than girls’. So give your son the attention he needs.

This includes talking to him. Parents generally spend less time talking to their infant sons than to their infant daughters, a factor that may partially explain why boys talk later and go on to talk less than girls. Research shows that regular one-on-one conversation are among the most important factors for brain development, especially during the first three years of life when the brain is growing most rapidly.

Don’t rush in to help girls. Some studies show that parents are quicker to help daughters than sons when they are struggling to do something. Both boys and girls develop confidence and self-reliance from being left to try, fail and then deep trying until they succeed-whether they’re learning to walk or to stack blocks.

Boys’ fine motor skills lag behind girls’ and the difference can be a problem in school-especially when faced with the task of learning to write. Young boys are drawn to play activities that use large muscle groups such as running, throwing balls and climbing. They need gentle encouragement to take part in fine motor activities such as drawing, stringing beads, fitting together interlocking blocks all a which will give them practice using fine motor skills and eye-hand coordination.

In personal traits boys tend to be more aggressive and girls to be more shy and fearful. The leading cause of aggressive behavior in both boys and girls is firsthand experience with violence:

being hit or in other ways physically abused, witnessing violent acts or physical fighting among family members, and watching violent television shows, ovies, videos and computer games. Children who are disciplined through spanking and barking orders tend to become more aggressive over time. Research indicates that the relationship between discipline style and aggressive behavior was the strongest for boys who started out being difficult to control and were disciplined with coercive discipline techniques.

Show boys alternatives to hitting and other aggressive behavior. Fathers, grandfathers, uncles and other important men in a boy’s life have an especially strong influence in taming a boy’s aggressiveness. It helps boys to see men using words, not fist, to settle an argument. Men can also coach boys on how to stand up for themselves without getting into fights at school. Nurturing, giving care and love through action, is a hedge against aggression.

Parents should give their sons more chances to be caregivers and mentors. As they grow older give them opportunity to care for pets and take on the role of part-time babysitting or working at a summer camp.

Don’t be overprotective. If your toddler whimpers when a neighbor approaches with a dog on leash, don’t automatically pick your child up. Research at Harvard University found that high-reactive children-were less likely to become fearful and anxious later on if their parents didn’t shield them from run-of-the-mill situations. Low fear children in this study also had moms who set firm but not harsh limits at home. On the other hand, children became more fearful over time when their parents were overly lenient and didn’t set limits.

Be aware that gender research is about groups of boys and girls and won’t necessarily apply to your child or other children you know. For example when studies show that girls talk earlier than boys, it means girls as a group compared with boys as a group. We are likely to see more variation between two children, regardless of their sex, than we will see between a group of boys and a group of  girls.

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Updated Februrary 23, 2002 Shelley Armstrong Webmaster