Karen's Keynotes
by Karen Armstrong, Human Development Extension Agent
Rolette County

Discipline is not a Bad Word

For many, the word “discipline” has negative connotations.  The word may cause us to reflect back to a situation in which we were punished for an act of misbehavior. In its broadest sense, discipline means to teach or lead.  Our goal is to assist our children in learning how to handle their emotions, solve their own problems and make good choices and act responsibly.

Parents may think that setting firm boundaries and expecting acceptable behavior give children the impression that they are not loved. Quite the contrary, firm boundaries give the child a sense of safety and security. It sends the message that “I care too much to allow you to act inappropriately” and “I care enough about you to take the time and effort to teach you how to behave”.

Ten important points you should know about discipline are

1.   Discipline is not a bad word and punishment is only one form of discipline. Make the consequence of a poor behavior, restitution for what was done. Helping the child realize the consequence of their poor judgment turns the situation into a learning opportunity rather than a penalizing-punishing situation

2.   Kids want to please their parents. When children misbehave try to understand what the child is telling you through his or her actions. Are they tired, hungry, lonely?

3.   Provide positive feedback when ever possible. Offer positive feedback as often as negative feedback. Tell them what they can do rather than what they should not.

4.   Have realistic expectations. If you are aware that babies do not understand cause and effect and that they learn by exploring their environment, you will realize that are not intentionally tormenting you by exploring everything around them and that saying no may not be sufficient. It is better to baby proof the near environment or distract them from a dangerous item.

5.   Help children know what is expected of them. Stating the expected behavior can go along ways to helping the child know what is acceptable.

6.   Teach kids and yourself healthy ways to deal with anger. Acknowledge and help children express their angry feelings and accept your own. When you feel yourself loosing it, take your own “time out”. Pick your battles. Ask yourself: “will this matter a month from now? A year from now?

7.   Involve children in realistic decision-making.

8.   Kids listen better if you talk less.

9.   Involve children in problem-solving.

10.  Lighten up, relax and enjoy your family. The more families laugh together, the less tension-and fewer fights- there will be.

We all want to be the best possible parent and it helps to realize that there’s no “right way” to discipline every child. Different approaches work for different children at different times.

Be careful not to fall into the working parent “guilt trap” by suspending everyday rules and routines and giving-in too often to kids to made up for the time we are not with them. Children need direction, boundaries and lessons on how to act appropriately, be responsible for their actions, know how to problem solve, and be able to make decisions on their own.

NDSU is an equal opportunity institution. This publication will be made available in alternative formats for people with disabilities upon request, 701-477-5671.

Go to Archives

Go to Rolette County Extension Home Page

Updated 11-2-06 Carleen Jeannotte