NEWS for North Dakotans
Agriculture Communication, North Dakota State
University
7 Morrill Hall, Fargo, ND 58105-5655
January 8, 1998
Kim Bushaw, Parent Line Program Specialist
NDSU Extension Service
You sent him off to college in September with tears in your eyes and a lump in your throat. You phoned and received calls regularly at first. The calls tapered off a little by midterms. You knew that the time together would be short, cut by travel, but just the same, you could scarcely wait till he was home again in the arms of his family for the holidays.
That was over two very long weeks ago and even though there is an empty place at the table again that he is back at school, you know that school is where he really belongs right now.
There were few things that seemed to fit your picturesque thinking surrounding his visit. Which is what it turned out to be, a visit. Both of you realized with sadness and later with a little pleasure that the old saying "You can't go home again" is true for your 18-year-old.
This child who rarely questioned your logic, traditions or ideas in the past had apparently read a book and been exposed to people with different reasoning and views. When you begrudgingly invited Uncle Ernie (you know, the one with "the problem") you were labeled a hypocrite. When you talked of your new investment you were a traitor, putting cigarettes in the mouths of babies because of the company's rumored ties. When you placed the meticulously prepared turkey in front of him you were inhumane. Even his favorite traditional childhood dessert was shunned because it contained too much fat for any normal human's diet.
Most of the time together did go well, when you remembered to "ask," not tell, him to do something. Basically when you started to treat him as you would a guest, he started to act more like one, a nice one at that. But, oh, how easy it is to fall back into those old parent-and-child patterns, especially when you are still footing a big part of the bill. You know that he ate the large Mostly Meaty pizza with his old pals at the bowling alley filled with smoking teens and ordered extra butter on his popcorn at the theater with his girlfriend. As much as you wanted to point out the irony you snickered instead and knew he would be gone again in another week to learn more, to come home and teach you what you already know.
Young adults returning home with their new habits need some adjustment time and so do their parents. You quickly made a mental note that negotiating family time and meal times, car use and cleanliness would be top on the list for next visit, but for this time you savored the boy you remembered and sampled the man he is becoming.
Unfortunately, all of those negative comments were taken to
heart, not a wise spot for them because more than anything they
were said to prove that this person is still working on being
independent from you and from his family. And chances are you
also know that in the end he will come to know just how smart you
already are and someday soon you will be good friends.
More than 100 Parent Line columns are in the book "Please Tell Me This is Just a Stage." To order, send $9.95 per copy to Distribution Center, Box 5655, NDSU, Fargo, ND 58105-5655.
Kim Bushaw answers the Parent Line, an information and listening support warmline for North Dakota parents from the NDSU Extension Service. Call the Parent Line at 1-800-258-0808 (231-7923 in Fargo) with questions about this column and other parenting topics.
###
Source: Kim Bushaw (701) 231-1070
Editor: Becky Koch (701) 231-7875