NEWS for North Dakotans
Agriculture Communication, North Dakota State
University
7 Morrill Hall, Fargo, ND 58105-5665
February 5, 1998
Kim Bushaw, Parent Line Program Specialist
NDSU Extension Service
I used to chuckle at the cover of a book called "Bringing Up Parents" by Alex Packer. One of the four cartoons on the front of the book pictures a teenage girl and her mother. They're shooting lightning-bolt glances at each other, and the caption reads, "14 + 40 = BAD NEWS!"
I said I used to chuckle until I read an article that quoted Laurence Steinberg, author of "Crossing Paths: How Your Child's Adolescence Triggers Your Own Crisis." He confirms that children reaching adolescence can add additional strain to the parent in "mid-life." If this wasn't enough to think about, I added up the numbers and realized that I will be 40 the very year my daughter turns 14.
I don't really think there is anything magic about those two particular numbers, 40 and 14. For at least a year, our daughter has been asking questions that have truly put me on edge at times and sent me to fits of laughter sometime later. One inquiry that stands out is the day that she so innocently (I think) asked the torturous question, "Mom, have you always been round, or were you thin at one time?" There have been other such questions and comments to make me doubt that I have ever done much right.
"Why didn't you finish your master's degree before you had kids so we wouldn't have to suffer through your homework?"
"Why don't you make the good kind of meatballs like Grandma's?"
"Your hair is really thin compared to mine, isn't it?"
And, "Courtney's mom is so funny and nice."
These are just a few that immediately come to mind.
Other times I believe the comments are just a reflection of what I've said myself, but it somehow sounds worse when another person says it. Such an instance might include, "It's math, Mom. You won't know. I'll ask Dad."
In Steinberg's study of 204 Wisconsin families, he found that nearly 40 percent reported a "decline in their psychological well-being during their children's adolescence." When the individual parent suffers in this way, beware, marital satisfaction can also take a hit.
Adolescents' work is to separate psychologically from their parents. To do this they generally question everything the parent holds as truth. This is an important stage, just a difficult one. And one that can take a toll on the adult, especially if all the parents' energy is tied up in the children.
There is some good news in all this. First, if life gets a little bumpy with the teen, oh well, it seems that it's all a part of the process of growing up and moving on.
Second, if the adults have a happy marriage or a satisfying career and other outside interests, the child's adolescence will have a less negative impact on the adults' emotional health.
In other words, don't tie up your whole life in your adolescent, or you may find you have a lot of spare time on your hands to reflect on what they say to you when they are actually home.
More than 100 Parent Line columns are in the book "Please Tell Me This is Just a Stage." To order, send $9.95 per copy to Distribution Center, Box 5655, NDSU, Fargo, ND 58105-5655.
Kim Bushaw answers the Parent Line, an information and listening support warmline for North Dakota parents from the NDSU Extension Service. Call the Parent Line at 1-800-258-0808 (231-7923 in Fargo) with questions about this column and other parenting topics.
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Source: Kim Bushaw (701) 231-1070
Editor: Becky Koch (701) 231-7875