NEWS for North Dakotans
Agriculture Communication, North Dakota State
University
7 Morrill Hall, Fargo, ND 58105-5665
February 26, 1998
Kim Bushaw, Parent Line Program Specialist
NDSU Extension Service
Ellen was married in 1936. Her husband Jake was rough and woodsy. Their life went just fine as long as Ellen worked hard, raised the children and put Jake first. Unfortunately, Jake also put Jake first, and rarely did he notice anyone or anything unless it was in his way. Regular verbal abuse and frequent physical abuse dotted their family life. When asked why she stayed in the relationship, Ellen responded that it was better than watching her children starve, the only other option she saw.
Today, however, many families divorce. Divorce might even be considered a common event. In any classroom in most any school, you'll find a number of children who are not living with their biological parents for a variety of reasons, many surrounding a divorce. More than a quarter, 26 percent, of North Dakota families had a single parent as the head of the household in 1994, according to the 1997 Kids Count report.
This trend has left many wondering what to do to help the children. Do children from divorced parents have more problems? What causes these troubles? How do we keep them from occurring? Are these even the right questions to be asking?
Trouble's Brewing
According to a study by Andrew J. Cherlin and colleagues at several other universities, "the effect of divorce on children is visible before the parents separate." Discord, dysfunction, mental health issues or marital conflict can be absorbed by the children and begin to affect their development and behavior long before the divorce papers are signed.
Since the family is a system, a child's negative behavior and attitudes can make family matters even worse. If everything were going great, there probably wouldn't be a divorce or separation. But because of the conflict, children react to what they see, hear and feel around them.
It's All Over But the Shouting
Of course, the upset of having a parent physically move out of the child's life can't be discounted either. Children can spend a great deal of daydreaming time wishing things were different or fighting the way things are now without Mom or Dad. The transition can be difficult for all family members, but especially those with so little power to change or fix the way things are going in their lives.
The Forever After
Parents who had a difficult time getting along before the divorce may struggle when it comes to communicating with each other afterward. Both parties are still parents, even though they are no longer a husband or wife. Each may become more critical of the other's parenting practices as well as other facets of their lives.
Parents who quarrel about visitation schedules may make the children feel that they are the problem. When parents are suspicious of each other, their children may learn to distrust everyone. When they criticize each other, parents teach their children to place blame rather than solve problems.
Parents can help make the divorce less stressful for the children by building a good support system of listeners both for themselves and their children. This way a parent can vent to another adult and not share negative feelings about the other parent to their children. Likewise, children can talk to a helpful adult about their feelings without fear that they will make either parent sad or angry.
Consider what the children's best interests will be in every decision. This will take the need to compete out of the equation. Don't use children as spies or messengers. Talk directly to one another, or involve an adult mediator or go-between to deliver information. The less arguing and turmoil the children are privy to, the smoother the adjustment can be.
Divorce is indeed common, but it's still not comfortable for the children before, during or after.
More than 100 Parent Line columns are in the book "Please Tell Me This is Just a Stage." To order, send $9.95 per copy to Distribution Center, Box 5655, NDSU, Fargo, ND 58105-5655.
Kim Bushaw answers the Parent Line, an information and listening support warmline for North Dakota parents from the NDSU Extension Service. Call the Parent Line at 1-800-258-0808 (231-7923 in Fargo) with questions about this column and other parenting topics.
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Source: Kim Bushaw (701) 231-1070
Editor: Becky Koch (701) 231-7875