NEWS for North Dakotans
Agriculture Communication, North Dakota State University
7 Morrill Hall, Fargo, ND 58105-5665

March 12, 1998

Parent Line: Family Money

Kim Bushaw, Parent Line Program Specialist
NDSU Extension Service

"I need new shoes for gym class. Mine hurt my feet."

"Everybody in my whole class has cable television but me."

"Somebody stole my lock. I need $5 to replace it."

"Can I go to the movie? Why don't we get a Nintendo? There's nothing to do here so my friends don't want to come over."

Children ask for things—a lot. They have to because few of them have much for income. And even if they do have money, they usually need a ride to go collect the goods and services they desire. So they ask, and ask, and ask to have things.

Families and money have a strong tie. According to Jean Soderquist, assistant professor of marriage and family therapy at North Dakota State University, we parents love to give our children things, especially things that help them fit in with their friends and classmates.

We can probably all remember a time when we didn't feel that we were part of the group because of something we didn't have or couldn't do. We'd like to keep our children from suffering through that left-out feeling. A child or an entire family may be left out of the social loop because they can't afford to take their turn or participate because of finances. This exclusion may make them feel like they're hated by the group they'd like to be part of.

Arguing between family members about the use of resources ensues. In this way, family problems may be caused by money problems.

Our partners can cause guilt feelings with a comment as inane as, "Oh no, another bill." We let ourselves feel guilty for buying a can of pop while running errands or a desperately needed shirt for work. Whether families have a lot of available money or very little, problems like these can be similar.

Soderquist reminds us that money is power. In some families this plays itself out when one adult makes all or the greater share of the money and that person also takes on all the power and decision making for the family. One spouse may overspend as a way to show anger or to get back at the other person instead of communicating his or her feelings with words. This person may really be saying, "I am spending this money just because you tell me not to. If you treat me as though I am irresponsible, I will be."

Suddenly money problems develop because of the emotions that are not being expressed openly. In this way money problems may be caused by family problems.

For issues with children and money, try these suggestions.

• Make a wish list of wanted items, date each item and post the list. Those items that are on for three or six months will then get consideration if they are still wished for at that time. A rare few items are.
• Help the child figure out ways to make money and save money. Some parents use the three-envelope system for allowance—one for spending, one for saving, one for sharing with people in need. The amounts vary, but the practice begins a lifetime of money management.
• Keep in mind that many of life's important lessons are learned by experience. As long as the child has everything he needs and a few of his wants, learning what it feels like to not "have it all" can be a valuable lesson. Then when the child has something and someone else is lacking, he will know what to do.
• If problems with money stem from marital troubles, lack of money or lack of skills in handling money, look for help. Consumer credit counseling can provide information and assistance to tackle the money issues, and family therapy can be used to work on the relationship issues.

You owe it to yourself and your children to spend time on these important family money matters.

More than 100 Parent Line columns are in the book "Please Tell Me This is Just a Stage." To order, send $9.95 per copy to Distribution Center, Box 5655, NDSU, Fargo, ND 58105-5655.

Kim Bushaw answers the Parent Line, an information and listening support warmline for North Dakota parents from the NDSU Extension Service. Call the Parent Line at 1-800-258-0808 (231-7923 in Fargo) with questions about this column and other parenting topics.

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Source: Kim Bushaw (701) 231-1070

Editor: Becky Koch (701) 231-7875