NEWS for North Dakotans
Agriculture Communication, North Dakota State
University
7 Morrill Hall, Fargo, ND 58105-5665
March 26, 1998
Kim Bushaw, Parent Line Program Specialist
NDSU Extension Service
If you've been to the grocery store this week, you may have been greeted by a pregnant Jodie Foster who is opting to have and raise a child alone. The cover of the magazine boasts the title "And Baby Makes Two." I don't know much about Ms. Foster, but I doubt that a beautiful, wealthy star is ever in need of company. If I had to guess, I might even wonder if she won't indeed have more help birthing and raising her child than all of us "non-stars" put together. Her helpers will be paid for their parts. Most of the rest of us have counted on support from friends, neighbors and relatives who know we will reciprocate every chance we can. I personally have always counted on my husband to be there to keep things in balance both in life and in child rearing. Recently I read an interesting article about the importance of fathers which says exactly that.
I've noticed lately our children are both getting good at couching any whim as an emergency. Without thinking I quickly try to rearrange my life to suit this need or that. As I'm rewriting our evening plans, my husband just grins, raises one eyebrow and says, "You don't even know when you're being conned do you?" and generally, I don't.
The balance fathers bring might also come in the way they handle the children. While moms tend to be verbal, nurturing and protecting, dads like to play.
Children need the nurturing type of attention to build security and trust from the beginning. They can get it from either and hopefully both parents. As one mother puts it, "I know that I have a tendency to talk my children half to death. One of our sons has learned this skill, and we can discuss things for hours. The other child is more like my husband, and when he's had enough, he leaves the room."
Dads play an important role in socializing children for the outside world. According to Michael Lamb, research director at the National Institute for Child Health and Human Development in Bethesda, Md., dads play more actively and force children to stretch their emotional and physical capacity more than mothers typically do. When a father has had enough or conflict and crying ensue, he may be more than willing to step back and let the nurturer and healer take over. (Or maybe she just shows up when she hears the noise and intervenes.)
According to Ross Parke, University of California-Riverside Center for Family Studies, dads who work in occupations with a lot of individual freedom tend to encourage independence, focus on why the child misbehaved and don't often dole out physical punishment. Conversely, men who feel highly controlled on the job expect their children to conform and may be more inclined to use physical punishment with their children. This is another example of the way fathers socialize their children for the real world.
What about children's attitudes about Dad throughout their life cycles? Their "dad-itude," if you will. As you might imagine, the guy who gives horsie rides around the living room is looked upon more favorably by his 3-year-old than cautious old Mom waiting in the bathroom to help brush teeth. But by the time the child is in the throes of grammar school, Mom's magnificent bond and listening skills are just getting more useful while Dad's playful side may look silly at times. By the time these children reach their teens, the teasing side of Dad is rarely enjoyed as much as Mother's nurturing ways are needed.
The good news? Dads and moms are both very valuable to their children. While moms tend to protect and cling, dads prepare the child for friendships, launching and the outside work-a-day world. The balance can be achieved.
The really good news? Parents can take on both jobs—the dirty work of keeping kids clean, safe and healthy, and the fun work of getting them ready for work and play. Dads and moms can share all the tasks involved in the child's life now and in the future. Children benefit from having two playful bases of support. Either way, good luck, Jodie.
More than 100 Parent Line columns are in the book "Please Tell Me This is Just a Stage." To order, send $9.95 per copy to Distribution Center, Box 5655, NDSU, Fargo, ND 58105-5655.
Kim Bushaw answers the Parent Line, an information and listening support warmline for North Dakota parents from the NDSU Extension Service. Call the Parent Line at 1-800-258-0808 (231-7923 in Fargo) with questions about this column and other parenting topics.
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Source: Kim Bushaw (701) 231-1070
Editor: Becky Koch (701) 231-7875