NEWS for North Dakotans
Agriculture Communication, North Dakota State
University
7 Morrill Hall, Fargo, ND 58105-5665
April 2, 1998
Kim Bushaw, Parent Line Program Specialist
NDSU Extension Service
I made my annual trek to the movie theater recently and saw "As Good As It Gets." Jack Nicholson plays a compulsive-obsessive person. When he was at home in his apartment, he would bark at people who came to the door such things as "You can't come in; nobody has ever been in here before" and "We don't want company." When he went out, he was rude and didn't behave well around others, thinking only of himself and his own needs and happiness.
This unfortunate soul often said inappropriate things that drove others away. Young children who haven't had the opportunity to practice social skills on others their own age may have some of these same characteristics.
Children may not have opportunities to play with others for a variety of reasons. Sometimes parents fear their children will pick up bad things from other children, including germs, aggressive actions and naughty words.
Modeling social relationships is difficult for parents who don't have any friends themselves. This can happen with well-meaning parents who spend most of their waking lives taking care of their children. They forget to take care of themselves. Modeling having fun with friends falls under the category of being a good parent, too. Who would look forward to growing up if you never got to play?
Miles of dirt road between your children and their potential playmates can make the prospect of regular play dates cumbersome to arrange. But then, some children who live in a big town may feel they are all alone.
Perhaps trusting your child in another person's home or trusting another family with your child is frightening to you. But keep in mind that peer relationships are necessary for a child's healthy development.
Besides parents, early education teachers can play an important role in identifying children who need help with their social skills. Janis Bullock of Montana State University categorizes children into three main areas: rejected, accepted and neglected.
Rejected children are those who tend to be aggressive, disruptive and argumentative. They avoid tasks, disregard the rules and have a difficult time reading the cues of other children. These children are actively disliked by their peers.
Accepted children are liked by their peers and tend to be helpful, friendly, cooperative, cheerful and conversational.
Neglected children are shy and quiet, and have difficulty interacting with peers because they are generally ignored by them. Their attempts to get into the play are easily disregarded by the other noisy, busy children. These children are neither seen as liked nor disliked by their peers.
Parents and other caring adults can help rejected kids develop missing skills by working with children to recognize other people's feelings. Good listening skills and turn-taking can be modeled and practiced in role play as well as in everyday situations. When parents introduce the topic of sharing by giving the child a turn or a piece of something of theirs, and by emphasizing that they would be delighted to share with the child, the child is left with the impression that sharing is a good idea.
Phrase tasks in a positive way. "When you get the truck put back on the shelf, we'll be ready to go out and play." Be consistent with rules and consequences. Some consequences happen naturally. When the child hits and hollers, the friend leaves.
Children also disagree easily and resort to aggression, so teach how to solve problems using words rather than shoves, and "I'm sorry" rather than "You'll be sorry" to end a skirmish. A sense of humor is also key in developing relationships with other people.
Children who tend to fade into the background, the neglected ones, need practice entering a group and having their wishes heard. This might start with an understanding adult, then one friend, then two and more. Avoid labeling the child as shy. Help him or her develop a particular interesting talent or collection that others will be attracted to, and point out the successes.
Work toward progress, not perfection, with these rejected and neglected students as they make their way toward being accepted.
Jack Nicholson's character changed dramatically when he learned some social skills that invited others into his life. And now he even has another friend . . . Oscar.
More than 100 Parent Line columns are in the book "Please
Tell Me This is Just a Stage."
To order, send $9.95 per copy to Distribution Center, Box 5655,
NDSU, Fargo, ND 58105-5655.
Kim Bushaw answers the Parent Line, an information and
listening support warmline for North Dakota parents from the NDSU
Extension Service. Call the Parent Line at
1-800-258-0808 (231-7923 in Fargo) with questions about this
column and other parenting topics.
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Source: Kim Bushaw (701) 231-1070
Editor: Becky Koch (701) 231-7875