NEWS for North Dakotans
Agriculture Communication, North Dakota State
University
7 Morrill Hall, Fargo, ND 58105-5665
April 16, 1998
Kim Bushaw, Parent Line Program Specialist
NDSU Extension Service
You come home from a long week of work to rest and rejuvenate in the loving arms of your family. You are delighted about two days without a hectic schedule. In your excitement you pick up your 2-year-old for a big hug. Naturally he is surprised by this sudden action and is upset that you pulled him away from his toy train. Thinking that you are planning to haul him far from his fun he shrieks and begins to kick his feet. It seems that the hug will have to wait until he recovers. In the meantime you feel a little rejected. You have been planning this reunion all week.
In the living room your 4-year-old is watching PBS. You are sure that she has watched this particular episode a dozen times before because you even have it memorized. You hit the remote and smile widely, "Wanna play a game after dinner? No? How about a bike ride?"
Your daughter turns away in disbelief and walks over to turn the television back on, basically ignoring you, your excitement and your generous offer. Two down, one to go.
You enter the family room where your 12-year-old son is on the phone. He returns your warm smile and quickly finishes his phone conversation. "Ah," you think, a welcome response. Here is where I begin my fun. This guy is in school and he understands kicking back on the weekend. As you begin to explain your plans for family fun, he cheerfully responds, "Sounds great! Then you won't miss me when I go to Chad's for a sleep-over."
You have had enough. Everyone here seems intent on ruining your plans. As the two younger children find their way down to the family room, you begin to set some rules for this weekend of family fun, which includes statements like "... nobody leaves this house unless you smell smoke..." and ends with "... and like it or not, everybody will have fun!"
You look over the three faces before you. The 2-year-old is confused because the message and the way it was just delivered don't seem to fit with the word fun. He looks ready to cry.
The 4-year-old is on her haunches, ready to leap and leave, but before she does she throws out the first fightin' words. "You aren't the boss of me."
The 12-year-old, feeling that the free time he has waited all week for is being threatened, begins to argue and talk back too. You can tolerate the 2-year-old's crying ... but these two with their back talk. Now what?
It is useful to consider where the back talk is coming from, reminds Richard M. Lerner and Cheryl K. Olson of Michigan State University. They contend that back talk is a sign that the child is getting "smarter," in a sense. The preteen no longer sees the adult as having all of the answers. They realize that there may be a number of possible solutions to any one problem.
Both the 12- and the 4-year-old may be at a point in their development where they feel the need to be a little more independent from the parent. Separating is hard but necessary work for growing children in our culture. Where the 4-year-old may simply want to prove she is an individual, the 12-year-old may already be working on defining who he is and what is important to him.
Lerner and Olson suggest that you stay calm and don't stoop to their level. In this instance, the parent's speech about family fun was not made calmly, and the children quickly followed suit in their response.
Stick to the subject and using your values, work the situation through to a solution. Let children know that they need to think of another way to make their point without using words that hurt others' feelings. Both 4- and 12-year-olds will pull out their best bad words when they are feeling threatened or want to appear adultlike. Let them know that profanity is a bad habit and give them other ways to express their disappointment.
The last word on the last word. If you don't fight for it, it isn't the prize. When adults try to have the last word, back talk ensues, either to their face or in loud grumbles as the child leaves the room. Consider that grumbling, although not respectful to the listener, is a harmless way to let off steam. As he grows he will learn to grumble silently in his head but for now he is showing you just how unfair his life seems.
Parents who've experienced a similar scenario now realize their error. Perhaps scheduling something in advance would be the answer for next time. You will also consider planning one-to-one time, not just family time. Your children love to have you to themselves and will be more tolerant of group adventures if they have had enough time individually with you. And you will continue to help them all find healthy ways to grow and express themselves so that the back-talk stage can be held to a minimum.
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Source: Kim Bushaw (701) 231-1070
Editor: Dean Hulse (701) 231-6136