NEWS for North Dakotans
Agriculture Communication, North Dakota
State University
7 Morrill Hall, Fargo, ND 58105-5665
May 14, 1998
Kim Bushaw, Parent Line Program Specialist
NDSU Extension Service
"I'm a woman now," announced the just-turned-13-year-old Cassie as she finished extinguishing the candles on her birthday cake.
The age-old debate commenced. When do children become adults? Is it biological? Can it be marked on the calendar? One relative attending the party suggested that it's when children pay their own insurance. Another felt the moment comes when children leave home to make their own way and the relationship is forever changed with their parents. Yet another offered that when children have become mature enough in their thinking to avoid a potential argument or learn to successfully negotiate, they are then considered an adult in his eyes.
Cassie disregarded the input and insisted that today, her 13th birthday, was her personal independence day.
Whether 13 is the magic age for Cassie or not, there are several things to consider about this time. Although parents may be tempted to put the responsibility for all the relationship changes on the teen, parents should consider their roles too. True, teens will question an adult's position on an issue and perhaps not be too tactful while doing it.
A recent study by Laurence Steinberg of Temple University sparks questions about the place adults play in this sometimes-rocky relationship.
Considering how much time a parent might spend in the car retrieving children, husbands and wives may not have a lot of time for each other. Find the time. Even if it means getting up early for a walk or driving the kids places together, the time parents spend together is important. Even grocery shopping or picking up repair parts can be a two-person chore.
Couples who are generally happy with their marriage and single parents who are happy with themselves respond to their teens more positively. As one might expect, that makes the teen more positive too.
Naturally it's always easier to see someone else's mistakes. If you've ever watched a parent and teen argue and thought the adult was behaving badly, you were probably right. Sometime it might be helpful when having an important family discussion to tape record the interactions. Parents of adolescents don't realize how quickly they can vacillate between being pathetic, whiny and in control during one short conversation.
Practice talking to the maturing teen as you would the reasonable neighbor down the road. That will give him the chance to become one. Parents often report that their child is much more respectful of other adults. Could it be the teen is reflecting what is seen and felt?
Teens are trying in their own growing ways to tell us that they really want more parental time. While it may be true that the term "family time" grates on the ears of the teens who hear it, few will turn down the opportunity for some one-to-one time with a parent or other favored adult. Again this will call on your creativity. I've found that our children will gladly help cook a meal, weed a flowerbed or even clean out the basement as long as it involves only them and one parent.
Even though Cassie thinks she's a woman today and may feel no need for supervision, the need is there. To learn to be responsible, children need modeling, guidance and information. Being left alone to figure it out has dangerous implications for a young teen who will probably learn from mistakes as often as successes. Planning for summer activities, monitoring children and transporting them should be a combined effort of parent and teen for it to be balanced and carried out even in the parent's absence.
When is "grown up" mature enough? When are we "done," so to speak? According to parents, a common scenario goes something like this. The child and parent get into an argument; it's a negative exchange, and things are said that can't be taken back. The two go to separate corners to cool off, and the parent, in disbelief of his or her own words and emotions, asks, "Am I supposed to be the adult here?" We probably all have times when being the adult requires more maturity than we think we have. And in that moment, many people can look back and understand their own parents just a little bit better.
Perhaps being mature is really a personal opinion. You know, you are if you think you are. All domains of a person progress at different speeds. Unfortunately for me, the physical part must have raced up the hill because it's on its way down while the emotional part is obviously taking its time.
More than 100 Parent Line columns are in the book "Please Tell Me This is Just a Stage." To order, send $9.95 per copy to Distribution Center, Box 5655, NDSU, Fargo, ND 58105-5655.
Kim Bushaw answers the Parent Line, an information and listening support warmline for North Dakota parents from the NDSU Extension Service. Call the Parent Line at 1-800-258-0808 (231-7923 in Fargo) with questions about this column and other parenting topics.
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Source: Kim Bushaw (701) 231-1070
Editor: Becky Koch (701) 231-7875