NEWS for North Dakotans
Agriculture Communication, North Dakota State
University
7 Morrill Hall, Fargo, ND 58105-5665
May 21, 1998
Kim Bushaw, Parent Line Program Specialist
NDSU Extension Service
"Kelly, can you bring that to mom? Here, let's trade. You bring that to me and I will give you these paper plates to put away. Where do you want to put them? In that cupboard? OK, thank you. Now, can you put this book in your bedroom? You're done already. Wow! Thank you. Oh, what did you find now? Remember, those are mom's to use in her hair. I can put those away and here, you can put this package of napkins in this drawer, like this see? Great! I'll be right back.... Here I am! Are you done with those or would you like to put some more in there?"
Although this conversation sounds very one-sided, Cathy, Kelly's mom, is getting a lot of positive responses from her little 18-month-old daughter. Kelly is listening, following her mothers movements and soaking up language like a sponge. Her little round face glows as she moves from one thing to the next.
Cathy is a busy single parent but still takes the time to re-toddlerproof their home whenever Kelly's arms and curiosity grow. When Kelly does get into those rare items still left sitting out, Cathy points out why that isn't a safe thing to play with and trades a safe but similar item with Kelly or distracts her with another activity. At times when the item is breakable but very interesting to Kelly, Cathy will help her look at it and then put it up when they mutually decide that the item has been inspected thoroughly enough.
Kelly seems to love the power that being in high places gives her. She can only see the fun of climbing up the back of the couch, whereas her mother can only see the danger and the wear and tear on the furniture. Sometimes when she sees Kelly heading for the couch she reminds her to sit on her bottom. When the reminder isn't enough she moves close to Kelly and helps her sit. Sometimes even this isn't enough, and then Cathy knows that her little climber is really just wanting to climb, so she pulls out a small slide or piles up some pillows and redirects the action to this more appropriate spot.
There are certainly times with Cathy's schedule of work and classes that she feels too stretched to deal with the antics of her young daughter. Constant supervision gets tiresome when there is homework and housework to be done. Then she remembers that Kelly is "acting her age" and following the toddler job description perfectly. After all, "get into everything" is the top line for toddlers. Cathy knows that all of this exploration gives Kelly opportunities to learn about her world. And that's important. She also knows that before Kelly was mobile, life was easier, and neater.
Cathy is pleased to know that she has made the conscious decision to enjoy each stage of her child's development and respond to her needs. Sometimes the schedule gets hectic, care arrangements fall through or Kelly runs a temperature and there is a glitch that brings life to a screeching halt, but even at those times Kelly knows she can trust her mom to be there for her and to care for her first and foremost.
In a recent article, Grazyna Kochanska explores the importance of a reciprocal relationship. Parents who respond warmly and predictably to their children are trusted by them. When the child needs something, the parents respond appropriately. They also use control as Cathy does. She uses many strategies to help Kelly learn what behaviors are acceptable. When she does this, Kelly generally complies.
Building this relationship of reciprocity is worthwhile for several reasons. There is less need for coercive or strong discipline. The child is more likely to accept the parents' goals and values if the relationship is grounded in these beginnings. And, if you think about it, our friendships are based on reciprocity—or give and take. Obviously the early years of child rearing involve a lot of give on the part of the parent, but as children mature with the sense that both give and take are important, they are apt to develop strong friendships and other relationships that are more balanced.
Cathy and Kelly have their moments when their goals aren't matching up very well and getting along seems to require more energy than either of them can muster. Those are the times when they probably rely most on that special relationship to carry them through.
###
Source: Kim Bushaw (701) 231-1070
Editor: Dean Hulse (701) 231-6136