NEWS for North Dakotans
Agriculture Communication, North Dakota State
University
7 Morrill Hall, Fargo, ND 58105-5665
May 28, 1998
Kim Bushaw, Parent Line Program Specialist
NDSU Extension Service
If one person suffers a disaster in a community, friends, family members, acquaintances and strangers reach out to help. When the whole community is struggling, there are two ways to go: each man for himself, or everyone pitches in. In our recent weather-related situations, we've seen both happen. The auction pages of the papers grow thicker, families deciding that too many bad years have worn their spirits thin. Floodwaters wash away some families' dreams, while job layoffs abruptly change the course of others' lives. However adults are put in financial distress, the children, no matter how young, are also affected.
It's easy to hope that the children won't notice. It's also unrealistic to think that way. Perhaps at first there is a little denial. Even when we see that flooded street on the news, we hope for the best. "Maybe our place is just a little higher, and everything is not lost." "Perhaps this year the weather will cooperate and the bugs will stay away and that bumper crop will be ours." "I'm sure they'll go after the big salaries. I'm just a little fish. I'll never be laid off."
Then the water subsides, and you walk back into the place that has always been there for you, but it is gone. The rains pour down on your new seeds, and your last hopes for any crop, let alone bumper, are headed downstream. Or the notices are passed out, and yes indeed, there is one for you.
When stress sneaks or pours into a family, negative behaviors often follow. Adults get tense and have less patience. They think more and talk less; seem distant; have trouble sleeping and get up irritable; cry, eat or drink more; or become sullen.
Sometimes out of fear children try to bring attention back to themselves and their needs. Adults have less patience to deal with the negative attention-getting behaviors. Sometimes the children don't know how to ask for the answers they're searching for.
It's hard to determine how a particular child will respond to a stressful situation. According to Alice Sterling Honig of Syracuse University, a child's temperament, support system, coping resources and view of the situation affect how well she is able to cope. So even in the same family, each child may address the changes very differently.
Young children, even babies, can tell when the air is electric with stress. Reassure little children by continuing the routines they're used to. It costs nothing to rock and read as always, and the time together will help you remember what's really important while reminding your child that you are there for him, no matter what.
Preschool children are most concerned that they will be cared for. Three- and 4-year-olds may have a difficult time with a move or change, but as long as their parent makes the best of it and keeps things as much the same as possible, the children will eventually adjust.
School-age children need to be reassured that they are not responsible for the trouble the family is facing. Parents must be up front about what is about to happen and why. Some adults point out that other families have had these same problems. Children don't see what is happening to their friends' families and tend to think they are the only ones in the county needing to cut back or pack up and leave. Knowing that others have successfully made this transition helps everyone see hope ahead.
Some junior high and older children find ways to help out. When they realize they can help by purchasing some of their own school clothes, gifts for friends and the like, they can feel more autonomous, something most this age are grasping for, some in less healthy ways. Helping children see the strengths within themselves and the collective strengths of the family can help them turn this otherwise negative situation into a manageable one.
Communication continues to be vital during these times of greatest stress. Children tend to fill in the blanks with inaccurate information when they can't get it in other ways.
People who have lost much and still found the time and energy to help others have seen a lot of healing taking place. Showing our children how to pull together in tough times is a lesson worth teaching.
More than 100 Parent Line columns are in the book "Please Tell Me This is Just a Stage." To order, send $9.95 per copy to Distribution Center, Box 5655, NDSU, Fargo, ND 58105-5655.
Kim Bushaw answers the Parent Line, an information and listening support warmline for North Dakota parents from the NDSU Extension Service. Call the Parent Line at 1-800-258-0808 (231-7923 in Fargo) with questions about this column and other parenting topics.
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Source: Kim Bushaw (701) 231-1070
Editor: Becky Koch (701) 231-7875