NEWS for North Dakotans
Agriculture Communication, North Dakota State
University
7 Morrill Hall, Fargo, ND 58105-5665
June 18, 1998
Kim Bushaw, Parent Line Program Specialist
NDSU Extension Service
[This is the first of four Best of the Parent Line columns, articles that have run previously but focus on timeless ideas.]
As summer approaches, so do the family reunions. This can be an excellent opportunity to renew family ties and catch up on the unbelievable height and shoe size of the teens in the group. It can also be a time to dig up bad feelings and unresolved fights. When adults have such a difficult time resolving conflict and forgiving and forgetting, it's little wonder that children, in their self-centered worlds, might find it hard to keep from fighting too.
As adults, it is our job to show our children what we expect by expecting the same of ourselves. Being a role model is tiresome, but it forces us to live up to our own high standards. This in turn helps us to see if these standards are even reachable. When we share, take turns, listen to each other and solve problems together with our siblings, our children learn valuable lessons to use with each other.
In their book "Siblings Without Rivalry," Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish outline several important points that may keep our households a little calmer this summer and in the years to come.
n First, realize that children have negative as well as positive feelings about each other. Hear what the child is saying, and help him express his feeling. If your child says, "He borrowed my new shirt and ripped it. I'm going to bash him," you might label the feeling for him. "You sound furious. I'm sorry that this happened, but no hitting. What could fix this situation?"
n Appreciate each child as an individual. Comparing children sets up competition and tears down self-esteem.
n Avoid labeling children. When people are given a label, they work hard to live up to it or feel hopeless to shake it. Help children see themselves in their best light.
Sibling relationships can be wonderful or they can be awful. Parents can pave the way by treating children fairly, according to their needs as individuals. Adults can also help kids realize that if they learn to control the fighting now, those future family reunions will be more fun.
More than 100 Parent Line columns are in the book "Please Tell Me This is Just a Stage." To order, send $9.95 per copy to Distribution Center, Box 5655, NDSU, Fargo, ND 58105-5655.
Kim Bushaw answers the Parent Line, an information and listening support warmline for North Dakota parents from the NDSU Extension Service. Call the Parent Line at 1-800-258-0808 (231-7923 in Fargo) with questions about this column and other parenting topics.
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Source: Kim Bushaw (701) 231-1070
Editor: Becky Koch (701) 231-7875