NEWS for North Dakotans
Agriculture Communication, North Dakota State
University
7 Morrill Hall, Fargo, ND 58105-5665
July 2, 1998
Kim Bushaw, Parent Line Program Specialist
NDSU Extension Service
[This is the third of four Best of the Parent Line columns, articles that have run previously but focus on timeless ideas.]
A little boy walks down Third Street very slowly, kicking stones and fiercely blinking back tears. He's on his way to school much earlier than usual, wanting to get away from what he hopes was just a nightmare. His name is Nate, he's 10 years old and he found out last night that his parents are divorcing. Nate can't even imagine a life without both of his parents in it.
Nate knows that his parents argue sometimes, but he figures most parents do. His dad has left the house angry a time or two, but he's always back in the morning to say, "Good morning, Nater Potater. How's my guy this morning?" Dad was the one person who got by with calling him "Potater," that was for sure. He had said that very same thing every day for as long as Nate could remember. But Dad wasn't there to say it today, the very day Nate really needed someone to talk to.
Children who are between 9 and 12 years old when their parents divorce may feel lied to. After all, how could people who love each other and have children suddenly not love each other anymore? They wonder if parents can change their minds about loving their children too.
Preteens have loyalty to both parents so tempers will flair when one parent puts the other one down. Children this age will also side with one parent on specific issues or "punish" the parent they feel is responsible for the breakup.
Peers and friends are a vital part of everyday life for 9- to 12-year-olds. Their opinions about divorce will help make the children more or less comfortable about this uncertain new lifestyle.
Children whose parents are divorcing may act angry and aggressive to hide their hurt. Physical ailments, behavior problems, school trouble, fighting between siblings and lying may be more prevalent.
Although there are always casualties in relationship breakups, parents can minimize the heartache by:
n hearing the child's thoughts and feelings without judging
n using a mediator, not the child, to carry messages from parent to parent if the parents aren't on speaking terms
n keeping the routines as normal as possible
n spending time with the child regularly
n agreeing on consistent rules and enforcing them.
When parents recognize that even though they are no longer married they will always be parents together, the children benefit from the knowledge that they are loved and cared for and valued.
###
More than 100 Parent Line columns are in the book "Please Tell Me This is Just a Stage." To order, send $9.95 per copy to Distribution Center, Box 5655, NDSU, Fargo, ND 58105-5655.
Kim Bushaw answers the Parent Line, an information and listening support warmline for North Dakota parents from the NDSU Extension Service. Call the Parent Line at 1-800-258-0808 (231-7923 in Fargo) with questions about this column and other parenting topics.
Source: Kim Bushaw (701) 231-1070
Editor: Becky Koch (701) 231-7875