NEWS for North Dakotans
Agriculture Communication, North Dakota State
University
7 Morrill Hall, Fargo, ND 58105-5665
July 9, 1998
Kim Bushaw, Parent Line Program Specialist
NDSU Extension Service
[This is the fourth of four Best of the Parent Line columns, articles that have run previously but focus on timeless ideas.]
"More miiiiiilk. I want miiiiiiilk. Mooooommy, miiiilk."
Who among us hasn't heard that pathetic cry? Children tend to whine most in their preschool years. They usually find more positive ways to get what they want by the time they enter school. They like friends and classmates, and notice quickly these people don't hang around others who use that tone of voice.
Whining is not an intentional tool used by children to make adults go crazy or drive them to their knees. However, it certainly seems to work that way.
If your child is whiny, check to see if all physical needs are being met. If the child is ill, hungry, thirsty, tired, cold, hot or in need of a hug, help him get what he needs. Next time, respond more quickly, before the whining starts.
The child who keeps whining may need lots of positive attention. Give it to her early and often. As she begins to feel like she is important and belongs, the need to do attention-getting things will disappear.
Ignore the whining while paying attention to the child's feelings. The book "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish encourages parents to grant their child's wish in fantasy even if it's not possible in reality. That way the child can see that the adult heard and understood.
A good example of this happened in the grocery store the other day. A 3-year-old was sitting in the cart, and although Dad was intent on finding the items on his list, he also listened. "Daddy, I want to get out. I want down, Daddy." The father smiled at his demanding tot and said, "I know you would like to get out of the cart and walk by yourself. I wish I could let you out to push the cart and then I would ride and you could push the cart and me and the groceries!"
The little girl looked closely at her daddy's twinkling eyes and big smile. "Nooooo, too big," she said, and the pair laughed together as they merrily rolled down the aisle.
Be sure to let children know what you mean by a whiny voice without making them feel put down. Once the child can recognize what not to do, one clever parent suggests using a signal like putting your fingers in your ears and giving a quick grin to remind the child that her voice needs to return to normal.
Although whining peaks around age 5, like anything else that works, it may be used a lot longer. We all know that the squeaky wheel gets greased.
If you think you may model whining, set up surveillance on yourself by starting a tape recorder and letting it record while you go about your day. If you push play and hear a whiny person, change yourself first.
Older children and adults tend to whine about things like money, the car, curfews, bad plays and what's for supper. Why? Because it works.
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More than 100 Parent Line columns are in the book "Please Tell Me This is Just a Stage." To order, send $9.95 per copy to Distribution Center, Box 5655, NDSU, Fargo, ND 58105-5655.
Kim Bushaw answers the Parent Line, an information and listening support warmline for North Dakota parents from the NDSU Extension Service. Call the Parent Line at 1-800-258-0808 (231-7923 in Fargo) with questions about this column and other parenting topics.
Source: Kim Bushaw (701) 231-1070
Editor: Becky Koch (701) 231-7875