NEWS for North Dakotans
Agriculture Communication, North Dakota State
University
7 Morrill Hall, Fargo, ND 58105-5665
July 16, 1998
Kim Bushaw, Parent Line Program Specialist
NDSU Extension Service
I read an article several years ago that claimed having a nickname helped kids fit in and feel better about themselves. It said that if all the other children had one, even a negative nickname like String Bean or Tiny was better than not having one at all. If everyone else was being called by some pet name, the child who didn't have one would feel left out.
I'm not so sure I disagree. I remember the kids in my neighborhood who did have nicknames, and they were always part of the "in" crowd. It was almost as if that moniker put them in a special club.
Nicknames can be endearing in a family too, but they need to be chosen carefully or they become labels that can be very hard to overcome.
Probably the most common complaint registered around this issue is the youngest child who earns the title "baby" and never quite shakes it. The baby is assigned characteristics that include being helpless, getting his/her way and lacking independence. At age 1 it's still acceptable. At age 25 it's really not.
Labels can also put a child in the position of being wild, shy, overly responsible, scatterbrained, athletic, musical, a little stinker—the list goes on. In their book "Siblings Without Rivalry," Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish discuss how even positive labels that seem motivating may put a lot of undue pressure on the child. Brothers and sisters may feel that there is no living up to that child's standards so they take a different path completely or even resent their sibling for the talent they possess and the attention they get for it.
Too often, parents cast children into roles because it's handy. Busy parents might always call on the same child to do the majority of the cooking or lawn work or chores because they know who will do the best job with the least resistance. Then they assign another child the title of lazy bones because she wasn't as willing or practiced at that particular job.
The child himself may decide that he is dumb or slow or mean. If this happens, parents should help him see how he doesn't match that definition. Point out the times he figures out something for you or is kind to a pet or sibling. Examples are much more convincing than simply saying, "No, you're not!" Be sure to offer opportunities where children can see themselves in positive roles.
The authors suggest that when Joey does a good job with the pets, we tell him so without locking him into the role of best pet tender of the family. When Susie does a good job of playing a piece of music on the piano, tell her how much you enjoyed it without calling her the family's little Mozart. Children don't need competition in their own families. They need to be valued for who they are.
As Dennis the Menace once said, "I never say something until I've heard it from someone else first." What a good reminder to us adults to resist the temptation to lead the way for hurtful name calling, labeling or negative nicknames. Listen closely to yourself today. It's harder than you think!
More than 100 Parent Line columns are in the book "Please
Tell Me This is Just a Stage."
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Kim Bushaw answers the Parent Line, an information and listening support line for North Dakota parents from the NDSU Extension Service. Call the Parent Line at 1-800-258-0808 (231-7923 in Fargo) with questions about this column and other parenting topics. The Parent Line is answered 7:30 a.m. - 9:15 p.m. Monday through Thursday and 7:30 a.m. - 4:00 p.m. Friday.
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Source: Kim Bushaw (701) 231-1070
Editor: Becky Koch (701) 231-7875