NEWS for North Dakotans
Agriculture Communication, North Dakota State
University
7 Morrill Hall, Fargo, ND 58105-5665
July 23, 1998
Kim Bushaw, Parent Line Program Specialist
NDSU Extension Service
Terry is 3 years old. He's generally a happy kid who likes going to Angela's house when his mom and dad go to work. Lately, however, Terry has been angry a lot which too often results in aggressive behaviors.
Angie would like to know what's happening at Terry's home. The boy's parents are wondering what's happening at child care. And all adults involved would like to know how to stop this and go back to a happier time with Terry.
Sam is 11. He, too, has been acting surly and angry, especially when asked to do his chores. The heavy sighs, rolled eyes and curled lip tell Mom she's making one too many requests. Sam's mother says she sees that her son is happy only when he's correcting others and watching something she doesn't approve of on TV. She feels that she started with a lot of patience, but now punishment is just one more nasty comment away.
It's helpful to find the reason for a child's anger before working on ways to help. Otherwise it's a little like throwing water on a fire only to find out that an electrical short had caused it. Using the wrong solution can backfire. Punishing the child because he says your decision is stupid will just as likely bring about more anger and mean words.
Try to listen to the message, but ignore the delivery. Excuse yourself to cool off if necessary, and return when you're ready to solve the problem. This may take more than one exit and re-entry into the situation.
"Why should I?" you might ask. For two reasons. One, because children watch their parents for cues on how to handle their behaviors. If you would like your child to learn to observe first, you must calm down, listen and problem-solve rather than react in rage. The other reason is so you can feel in control of yourself and the situation.
At age 3, Terry is steeped in "Me do it." He may be angry with the adults or older children in his life who insist on doing things for him rather than waiting for him to do it himself. If Terry's language skills are still developing so he has difficulty calling on his thoughts quickly, he may be frustrated about that. Time, encouragement to use his words and filling in those "feeling" words for him will help with the situation.
Sam, at age 11, may have figured out that if he acts crabby, his mom will do the chores herself and stop asking for his help. By running others down, Sam may be working to build himself up. Feeling bad about oneself calls for some help at this age. Spending time alone with an adult who enjoys his company, developing a new skill or hobby, or honing a talent may add to Sam's feelings of self-worth. Getting off the couch and away from the television is probably not a bad idea either. Some folks this age like possessions, and television can make them feel like paupers in the material sense.
Anger is not a bad emotion, according to Stanley Greenspan, M.D. Conversely, it contains elements of assertiveness and helps us go after what we want. Anger, along with all our other emotions, helps define who we are. Hard as it may be, the next time Terry and Sam lose it, maybe their parents will see a purpose, a cause and a solution that will make the storm worth the lesson.
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More than 100 Parent Line columns are in the book "Please Tell Me This is Just a Stage." To order, send $9.95 per copy to Distribution Center, Box 5655, NDSU, Fargo, ND 58105-5655.
Kim Bushaw answers the Parent Line, an information and listening support line for North Dakota parents from the NDSU Extension Service. Call the Parent Line at 1-800-258-0808 (231-7923 in Fargo) with questions about this column and other parenting topics. The Parent Line is answered 7:30 a.m. - 9:15 p.m. Monday through Thursday and 7:30 a.m. - 4:00 p.m. Friday.
Source: Kim Bushaw (701) 231-1070
Editor: Becky Koch (701) 231-7875