NEWS for North Dakotans
Agriculture Communication, North Dakota State University
7 Morrill Hall, Fargo, ND 58105-5665

August 13, 1998

Parent Line: Organized vs. Flexible

Kim Bushaw, Parent Line Program Specialist
NDSU Extension Service

There's a saying in the business that all children fit into a family. Unfortunately, it may not be the family they were born into. This doesn't mean we can keep trading until we find the perfect combination, tempting as that sounds some days. Instead, as parents we need to remember that every child may be perfectly suited to a different environment, so changing him or her may not be the answer either. Often these kids who don't seem to fit the family find a neighbor, friend or grandparent's home that suits them fine. They spend a lot of time there whenever they can.

A mother of four explains her family in one sentence: "We may not be very organized, but we are flexible." For both parents and three of the children, this is comfortable. They appreciate being able to pack up and go at the drop of a hat. The 5-year-old son, however, craves routine. According to his mother, he has always needed a lot of structure in his day.

For most young children, routines are important. When children know what's coming next, they feel more comfortable expanding their play. Anyone who's had to concentrate on a big project knows that being interrupted is a terrible frustration. Repeated interruptions can make one feel like not even trying to concentrate and complete the task.

So provide regular and large chunks of time to develop play and concentration for children. After all, play is a child's work. An this concentration is a big issue in school when the distractions are many and the work gets harder every year.

Eating is another part of a child's day that needs to be routine. Regular eating patterns help a child build trust. Knowing food will be served regularly helps children establish healthy eating patterns. When people feel unsure of when the next meal may be, they may hoard food, overeat or repeatedly ask for food. Regular meal and snack times are especially necessary for tiny tummies.

Sleeping can be another challenge for a family with children on the go. Naps and routine bedtimes are tough to establish for flexible families. Children who have learned to fall asleep in a variety of situations find travel and overnight visits easier to handle than children who have always fallen asleep in the living room in the big chair in the corner or in their parent's arms listening to the same book each night and at nap time. Teaching a child to relax and put himself to sleep is a great gift now and in the future.

Flexibility in routines is certainly a reasonable compromise. For instance, that flexible family may suddenly decide to run into town for the evening's high school basketball game or a trip to the swimming pool. Instead of springing the plan on the 5-year-old as they run to the car, this family could present the possibility earlier in the day. Perhaps they could offer a choice of going with the family or staying with that favorite grandparent.

At the very least, the family can be sure the child is comfortable, fed and ready for sleeping in the car on the way home as a way to compromise on flexibility within his own routine. A balance between flexibility and strict procedure may help everyone feel they belong to the right family.

###

More than 100 Parent Line columns are in the book "Please Tell Me This is Just a Stage." To order, send $9.95 per copy to Distribution Center, Box 5655, NDSU, Fargo, ND 58105-5655.

Kim Bushaw answers the Parent Line, an information and listening support line for North Dakota parents from the NDSU Extension Service. Call the Parent Line at 1-800-258-0808 (231-7923 in Fargo) with questions about this column and other parenting topics. The Parent Line is answered 7:30 a.m. - 9:15 p.m. Monday through Thursday and 7:30 a.m. - 4:00 p.m. Friday.

Source: Kim Bushaw (701) 231-1070

Editor: Becky Koch (701) 231-7875