NEWS for North Dakotans
Agriculture Communication, North Dakota
State University
7 Morrill Hall, Fargo, ND 58105-5665
September 24, 1998
Parent Line: Who Is in Charge Here?
Kim Bushaw, Parent Line Program Specialist
NDSU Extension Service
I love doing child care in my home. It gives me the freedom to be home with my own children and be involved in helping other parents who need to be at work. The children are great too. My own children have developed wonderful friendships with the children who come here for care. I laugh everyday at all of the fun discoveries one child or another is making.
There are two times in the day when I rarely laugh, however. Those times being when the parents drop off their children and when they pick them up. I get along with all of the parents really well, so I'm not sure exactly how this started. I think the biggest problem for me at those times is that I don't know who should be in charge.
Here are a couple of examples: Logan is a go-getter. He comes bursting into the house each morning ready to play. He knows the rules, but because his mom likes to visit and my kids aren't awake yet, he starts dismantling my house. I know it's my house, but he is her child. Who should be stopping him? I can correct him with a word or two anytime, but when Mom is there, he is so out of control.
Then the other side of the coin is Andrea. She is so cautious. Every morning she clings to her dad and cries. I never know if I should just peel her off him or wait for the two of them to work it out.
The end of the day is the same story. Some of the children throw themselves at their parents and are ready to go the minute Mom or Dad arrives. I feel like parents have a right to know what their child did for the past nine hours, but misbehavior sets in so fast if the parent hesitates for a few minutes to visit about the day's events. Other children will ignore their parents so completely that I sometimes wonder what could be going on at home. Why don't they want to leave?
Janet Gonzalez-Mena, with FarWest Laboratory for Educational Research and Development in California, has several helpful suggestions for smoother arrival and departure times at child care. First, arrivals should follow a routine, which includes a greeting for both the parent and child, a quick exchange of information about the child's physical condition and his mood, and any type of parent-education information that might seem pertinent at that time.
Also, the provider needs to be available to help the child separate from the parent while watching the other children all at the same time. Obviously this is not the time or place for the parent to dump their woes about other family members or their jobs.
Some parents and providers pass a notebook between them with any necessary information or requests so they can concentrate on the child and the separation instead of the other information. This notebook becomes a nice historical record for children, including illnesses and stages of development. Also, the notebook method of communication prevents older children from being privy to what parents and caregivers are saying about them. Being privy to such conversations might serve to focus children's attention on negative behaviors adults don't want repeated.
Gonzalez-Mena says caregivers should try to recognize the feelings of both parent and child as they separate, and caregivers should reassure the parent that the child will be fine. Some parents are better able to let go if they feel welcome to call later to know that the child is doing fine. Transition items like blankets and toys, or even something belonging to the parent, can help too.
The end of the day takes planning too. Children who are busy at play or are upset with the parent for leaving them in care will be more difficult to persuade to go home. Help reassure the parent that it's not as personal as it appears and develop strategies together that will make this transition easier.
For those who turn into human cyclones when their parents appear, have their bag packed and use the child's behaviors as your cue. To the parent, say, "It looks to me like Logan is ready to go home and spend some time with you." To Logan, say "Logan, we will have the blocks ready to play with tomorrow. I'll see you then. Have a good night."
Communicating about who is in charge and how to handle beginning- and end- of-the-day issues makes for smoother transitions for parents, children and child care providers.
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More than 100 Parent Line columns are in the book "Please Tell Me This is Just a Stage." To order, send $9.95 per copy to Distribution Center, Box 5655, NDSU, Fargo, ND 58105-5655.
Kim Bushaw answers the Parent Line, an information and listening support line for North Dakota parents from the NDSU Extension Service. Call the Parent Line at 1-800-258-0808 (231-7923 in Fargo) with questions about this column and other parenting topics. The Parent Line is answered 7:30 a.m. - 9:15 p.m. Monday through Thursday and 7:30 a.m. - 4:00 p.m. Friday.
Source: Kim Bushaw (701) 231-1070
Editor: Dean Hulse (701) 231-7875