NEWS for North Dakotans
Agriculture Communication, North Dakota State University
7 Morrill Hall, Fargo, ND 58105-5665

October 8, 1998

Parent Line: Defiance or Compliance?

Kim Bushaw, Parent Line Program Specialist
NDSU Extension Service

How do I make my teenager come home on time? How can I make my fifth grader do her homework? How can I make my 3-year-old stop having tantrums?

I must confess that whenever I hear a rule that must be followed, I generally think of a "But what if...?" question to go with it. A conversation with an average teen who shares a similar thought process might go something like this:

Parent says, "You have to be home from Joey's by 9:30 sharp."

Teen responds, "But what if Joey's mom asks me to drop off her dad at his house since I will be driving that way anyway? Should I say no because he moves too slow and will make me late? What if there is a long train about to block my path? Should I race the train?"

Of course, as logical and always-timely adults, we might think ahead to solve those problems. "Just leave early" will undoubtedly be used by the parent to set the neck hair of the teen on end. But mostly what the teen wants to hear is, "I love you and trust you to work out anything that comes up. Your safety is most important to me. I'll see you at 9:30."

If your teen comes in at 9:38, will you split hairs? If he is making you late for something that he knew about ahead of time, restitution would be in order. If not, tell him how nice it is to see him—and mean it. With a warm reception, next time his arrival home might be at 9:28. Who knows? Teens who defy their parents' rules may be asking for more independence. Discuss it together, and practice in small steps.

What about the fifth grader who doesn't do her homework? Be sure she really understands what to do. Some children would rather feign a behavior problem than let on that they don't understand. Or perhaps there is a group of kids threatening her to stop getting good grades because it makes them look bad. Using all your parental senses, figure out the cause. Then working out the cure together with the teacher will come much easier.

Temper tantrums are to 3-year-olds what breaking curfew is to teens, only three-year-olds don't drive or get out that much. Think of temper tantrums as a message, one aimed at letting you know you aren't getting the real message.

Often throwing a tantrum is the child's limited way to say, "Apparently you can't tell how very serious I am about wanting juice right now. Let me show you how serious I am."

BOOM, a tantrum. When parents let the child know what time juice-time is and then stick to their decision, the child will eventually learn that his needs will be met and his parents won't be bullied.

Building walls of mistrust, testing, setting traps and collecting evidence may be common tactics in families where defiance is present. If you find yourself heading this direction, consider these points from "Positive Discipline Solutions A-Z" by H. Stephen Glenn.

Power struggles turn to a downward spiral of revenge. Find ways to invite cooperation by giving choices and asking for input.

Say fewer words, but mean what you say.

Get all the facts first and say "yes" when it's appropriate. Avoid saying "no" first and changing your mind later.

Before jumping in with an automatic punishment, ask, "Would you like to try again?" This allows practice for success next time, which is, after all, what we are trying to accomplish.

Having a compliant child sounds like a dream come true, but one glance at the nightly news—at stories featuring adults who shouldn't be trusted—reminds us that children who can think independently are probably going to be a lot better off than children who just do what they are told.

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More than 100 Parent Line columns are in the book "Please Tell Me This is Just a Stage." To order, send $9.95 per copy to Distribution Center, Box 5655, NDSU, Fargo, ND 58105-5655.

Kim Bushaw answers the Parent Line, an information and listening support line for North Dakota parents from the NDSU Extension Service. Call the Parent Line at 1-800-258-0808 (231-7923 in Fargo) with questions about this column and other parenting topics. The Parent Line is answered 7:30 a.m. - 9:15 p.m. Monday through Thursday and 7:30 a.m. - 4:00 p.m. Friday.

Source: Kim Bushaw (701) 231-1070

Editor: Becky Koch (701) 231-7875