NEWS for North Dakotans
Agriculture Communication, North Dakota State University
7 Morrill Hall, Fargo, ND 58105-5665

October 29, 1998

Parent Line: Varying Spirits

Kim Bushaw, Parent Line Program Specialist
NDSU Extension Service

It seemed like a dream when Linda, her sister Janie and her brother's wife Sara all found out they were having babies within months of each other. What a thrill for them to share stories and have their children play together whenever they could. They talked about how much fun family reunions and visits would be as the children grew.

Why then, Linda asks herself, is she now dreading the upcoming holiday season so much? Why is the thought of family get-togethers making her feel so negative? At 22 months, Martin, her son, is the only one of the three who isn't saying much more than "Mama," "Dada" and "Want it." "Want it" generally starts out quietly and, if refused or ignored, rapidly builds to a frenzied crescendo.

He has gotten the nickname Marathon Man by the relatives who see that there's no stopping Martin, physically or emotionally, once he makes a decision. He is persistent in his pursuits.

Linda feels that she and her husband spend most of their time as a tag team pulling Martin down from high places and finding ways to distract him before he gets stuck, either on top of a high cupboard or in his line of thinking. Any day is exhausting with this little wonder, but trying to keep him happy and out of harm's way in someone else's space is nearly more than Linda can imagine.

Watching the other two cousins say real words and play with toys on the floor leaves Linda and her husband to question what they're doing wrong. They've discovered that offering two alternative choices works sometimes. Other times they try to listen and help him get what he needs. When he takes off climbing or running, they look for safe ways that he can meet those needs too. Linda feels that they're doing OK figuring these things out at home, but she gets concerned when she sees her nephews doing things so differently.

Jake is Janie's son. She and her husband also secretly worry that their son is turning out differently from what they might have expected. Jake is generally an easy-going boy once everything is just right. He can play for long periods of time once he is settled. Settling is the tough part because Jake doesn't like change. Waking him up to go to child care each morning is the first hurdle. Then dressing, eating and buckling in the car seat seem to take hours each day. By the time Jake is feeling happy in his car seat, it's time to go in to child care. More trouble transitioning. Any time Jake is being moved from one activity to another or one place to another, his parents feel like they are in a tug-of-war. Routines like eating and going to bed anywhere but home are a struggle. This sensitive child is troubled by the smells, the lights, the sounds, everything that is different when he's not home.

Janie heard her husband tell a friend that he sees Jake like an old television or radio: he has a problem switching from one channel to the next and when he does there's a lot of "static" in between. These parents have learned the importance of familiar comfort items, comfortable clothes and routines. They've gotten in the habit of telling Jake what's going to happen next and leaving a little extra time for the static.

Sara, the sister-in-law, is both delighted and a little concerned too. Being the in-law, she's delighted that Seth is the calm one of the group. She's concerned, however, that he might not fully understand what's going on around him.

Seth's mom and dad have both noticed how efficiently the cousins find whatever they are instructed to go look for. The last time they were together, it was decided that everyone would take a walk to the park. Martin immediately found his shoes and intermittently hung on the doorknob, pounded on the door and screamed to get out. Jake was told ahead of time that he was going to get to choose whether he wanted to wear his shoes or sandals to the park. Minutes later he, too, was ready to go.

Seth just sort of wandered as Seth often does. He noticed the birds out the window next to the door and the dust web on the door hinge. He noted that Martin was mad. He also tried to hang from the doorknob and pounded on the door. Seth picked up his shoes for a minute and then sat them back down to follow the cat he saw running down the hall. Finally Seth's dad picked him up and put his shoes on. No resistance. Seth just started to visit with his dad about the shoes as though nothing else mattered.

Seth is very perceptive. He notices everything, and only when he concentrates very hard can he stick to the task at hand. Seth's parents, although tempted to do everything for him, know that in the long run, he will have to learn strategies that will help him accomplish what he sets out to do.

All these boys are "spirited" children, according to Mary Sheedy Kurcinka in her book "Raising Your Spirited Child." Intensity, sensitivity, perceptiveness, persistence and energy appear in varying degrees. You may want to consult Mary if you're spending your holidays, or your every days, with a Martin, a Jake or a Seth.

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More than 100 Parent Line columns are in the book "Please Tell Me This is Just a Stage." To order, send $9.95 per copy to Distribution Center, Box 5655, NDSU, Fargo, ND 58105-5655.

Kim Bushaw answers the Parent Line, an information and listening support line for North Dakota parents from the NDSU Extension Service. Call the Parent Line at 1-800-258-0808 (231-7923 in Fargo) with questions about this column and other parenting topics. The Parent Line is answered 7:30 a.m. - 9:15 p.m. Monday through Thursday and 7:30 a.m. - 4:00 p.m. Friday.

Source: Kim Bushaw (701) 231-1070

Editor: Becky Koch (701) 231-7875