NEWS for North Dakotans
Agriculture Communication, North Dakota State University
7 Morrill Hall, Fargo, ND 58105-5665

November 5, 1998

Parent Line: Keep the Change

Kim Bushaw, Parent Line Program Specialist
NDSU Extension Service

It’s no secret that North Dakota is suffering a farm crisis. From the top of Capitol Hill to the depths of the Red River Valley to the buttes of the Montana border and all the dinner tables in between, we know that many farmers and ranchers are struggling to keep their operations up and running.

There are those with little debt load and the right crop for this year’s weather and markets. They’re doing fine. For some there’s no longer a question; this year was their last. For others it will be a year of wait and see. If the year ahead doesn’t bring improvement, they will need to be ready to begin another type of life, one away from the farm or ranch.

Grief is a reality for many of these families. Dennis Jaffe and Cynthia Scott of Changeworks Solutions say members of these families may be experiencing denial—or even denying they’re in denial—individually, as a whole family, or maybe even as an extended family three generations wide.

Comments such as, "It’s been this bad before," or "Next year will be better," may mask the seriousness of the problem even for those who are trying to make the tough decisions. Denial can comfort for a while, but it eventually becomes a problem.

Resistance will set in for those who fight to keep things the way they’ve always been. Anger, daydreaming, insecurity and frustration visit regularly at this time as the grieving person blames everything from the president to wheat scab for their present problems. The air turns icy then sizzling hot in the cafe downtown and behind closed doors as farmers, ranchers and family members hash out the injustice served from so many different directions.

Pulling out of this resistance is an energizing experience for many. The person on this path of change is ready to explore new options. But a warning! There may be dips back into resistance and even denial. The person who is ready to explore new options has real drive, creativity and the ability to learn again. Concentration is clouded by the possibilities, not the lack of options as it had been in earlier stages. Many feel that the battle is half won by this stage. They know there is much that lies ahead but still feel that the hard part is over.

Commitment to change is usually a comfortable phase. This is the 20/20 hindsight that many call experience. Some may look back and realize that life had gotten very hard long before the banker called in the loan. They anticipate the change with newfound excitement and zest. All the old problems will be gone. Of course, reality says that nothing is perfect, but, oh, to look ahead and see how much better things will be when everything surrounding these changes settles into a new routine.

There is a wonderful children’s book called "What You Know First" by Patricia MacLachlan that very simply tells the story of selling off the farm through the eyes of a child. It shows great resistance at the beginning of the story and then a clever and tangible show of acceptance in the end. It could be a great conversation starter for people of any age.

Just as there are ups and downs from the top of Capitol Hill to the bottom of the valley—with some even times like the flat landscape of the plains—change takes some anticipated paths and some unexpected turns both forward and back. Preparing ourselves and our children takes strength, determination and a lot of clear communication.

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More than 100 Parent Line columns are in the book "Please Tell Me This is Just a Stage." To order, send $9.95 per copy to Distribution Center, Box 5655, NDSU, Fargo, ND 58105-5655.

Kim Bushaw answers the Parent Line, an information and listening support line for North Dakota parents from the NDSU Extension Service. Call the Parent Line at 1-800-258-0808 (231-7923 in Fargo) with questions about this column and other parenting topics. The Parent Line is answered 7:30 a.m. - 9:15 p.m. Monday through Thursday and 7:30 a.m. - 4:00 p.m. Friday.

Source: Kim Bushaw (701) 231-1070

Editor: Becky Koch (701) 231-7875