NEWS for North Dakotans
Agriculture Communication, North Dakota State University
7 Morrill Hall, Fargo, ND 58105-5665

November 12, 1998

[EDITORS: This is a Best of the Parent Line column, an article that has run previously but focuses on a timeless idea.]

Parent Line: A Friendship Tale of Two School-Age Children

Kim Bushaw, Parent Line Program Specialist
NDSU Extension Service

During the grade-school years around ages 6 to 10 or so, children have ample opportunities to try out their social skills in a variety of settings. School, sporting events, parties, religious ceremonies, the neighborhood and bus rides are just a few of the ways growing children meet and play with other children their own age.

I first met Beth when she was 6 years old. She came into the room where a number of other children were already busily engaged in play. At first she seemed a little overwhelmed with the number of children in the room as well as the variety of activities. Beth stopped near the door, took a deep breath and began to slowly walk around the room, looking at what the other children were doing.

After surveying the choices and how the children were playing in each of the areas, she returned to the modeling clay table. As she slid into a chair next to Tammie, she looked down at Tammie's project and commented on how cute it was. Tammie looked at Beth and offered her modeling clay from the pile near her. Beth smiled and accepted. Soon all the clay players were making animals to put into a zoo. The group, once scary looking by sheer numbers, had become a new circle of playmates—one child, one smile at a time.

Unfortunately, not all children are as successful at making and keeping friends. Erica, by contrast, entered the room with a loud shout. She immediately dashed to the largest group of children and kicked at the pop bottle bowling pins they were playing with. They greeted her in the same wayloudlyand chased her off. Through one unsuccessful group encounter after another, she made her way around the room again and again, causing uproars and showing off her most outrageous behavior all the while.

Erica had not learned to make eye contact, read other people's moods or needs, talk kindly to others and work her way gently into a group by gaining one friend at a time. Eventually an adult began to teach her the necessary skills to gain access to the group. Once "inside" she also needed to be able to share a special skill, share a toy or her time, learn how to resolve conflicts peacefully and solve problems. Erica had the energy for it; now she needed the model to pattern her behavior after.

Having friends and maintaining friendships is a lifelong job. Friends in grade school are important practice for later relationships. The peer group teaches rules and logical consequences, cooperation and compromise like no other relationship can. This level playing field of same-age friends also gives children the chance to share secrets, trade collections, and test and compare the values they have been given by their families.

Parents often fear that friends become more important than family. Although children may want what others have, parents are still more influential where it counts.

Take heart. When friends are near, children will act differently than when it's just the family at home. Who among us doesn't? Post the house rules, line up activities that the children may choose from and decide with the child before company arrives how discipline will be handled so he can count on you to help if things start to get out of hand. Last but not least, when inviting, put a start and end time on how long the guest will be there. Start with a shorter play date first and add to it next time if all goes well. After all, before you meet her, you can't be sure if you will be greeting Beth or Erica.

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More than 100 Parent Line columns are in the book "Please Tell Me This is Just a Stage." To order, send $9.95 per copy to Distribution Center, Box 5655, NDSU, Fargo, ND 58105-5655.

Kim Bushaw answers the Parent Line, an information and listening support line for North Dakota parents from the NDSU Extension Service. Call the Parent Line at 1-800-258-0808 (231-7923 in Fargo) with questions about this column and other parenting topics. The Parent Line is answered 7:30 a.m. - 9:15 p.m. Monday through Thursday and 7:30 a.m. - 4:00 p.m. Friday.

Source: Kim Bushaw (701) 231-1070

Editor: Becky Koch (701) 231-7875