NEWS for North Dakotans
Agriculture Communication, North Dakota State University
7 Morrill Hall, Fargo, ND 58105-5665

November 19, 1998

Parent Line: Is It Me, or Are the Rules Changing?

Kim Bushaw, Parent Line Program Specialist
NDSU Extension Service

About 15 years ago, at the beginning of my career in this field, I was asked to put together a parent education fair. As a new employee and a new mom, I was very excited at the prospect of showcasing all the information available to make the job of being a parent a little bit easier. I involved a number of agencies and organizations that offered help to parents of children of all ages. The plan was that each group was to bring an activity for kids and parents to do together in the confines of a shopping mall hallway.

The big day finally arrived, and I was ready. The agencies and organizations brought tables full of wonderful information and glorious activities. Parents and children came and collected the information, visited with the folks at the tables and took part in many activities. It was all going beautifully until the media came. I had let them know that such an event would take place. I anticipated that they would take footage of children shucking corn, painting with marbles and playing in cornstarch, but apparently I had not considered that they might want to visit with me about the event.

After visiting with me for a minute or two off camera about things like the weather, what a fine turnout we were having and how many agencies were participating, they turned on the lights and camera and asked, "Just why do you think people need this sort of education? Don't you think parents know how to parent? Don't you think they are doing a good enough job of it? Why this? Why now?"

Needless to say, it wasn't an Oscar-winning performance on my part. I was happy that they edited out the first two minutes of blank staring before the 10:00 news. Of course I didn't think parents were doing a collectively bad job or for that matter that I knew that much more than the average Joe about parenting. I just knew that there were a lot of facets to the job and that together we had a better chance of helping parents than any of us did by ourselves.

Fortunately we now have a guide for parent education. It's the National Extension Parent Education Model. This model has divided the tasks for parents into six manageable parts.

• Care for Self
  Let's start here because if we leave it until last, which we so often do, it doesn't always get done. Caring for oneself means asking for and offering support, cooperating with child-rearing partners, and managing stress and resources. We also need to look individually at all we're doing right in parenting and give ourselves credit for those things we feel good about.
• Understand
  When adults know what to expect from their children at different ages, they are more likely to seek help when it's needed. They are also going to know why the child is doing what he is doing. This understanding can lead the parent to find alternatives for a child's difficult behaviors. They also recognize that children have an impact on their environment.
• Guide
  Guidance, discipline, whatever the term, parents learn to set reasonable limits and maintain them, to behave the way they want their little shadows to behave and to pass on their beliefs and values this way. This is where parents teach respect, problem solving, peer relationships and personal responsibility.
• Nurture
  Parents express affection, listen to and acknowledge feeling or ideas, and foster hope. This list could go on and on. We do these things in a million ways as our children grow.
• Motivate
  When we take them outside for a night walk and point out the stars, we're doing science homework. The 1-year-old understands "star," the 5-year-old delights in pointing out the North Star with you and the 15-year-old names several constellations you've forgotten. That's motivation.
• Advocate
  Start by building relationships in your local neighborhoods. Create and offer resources and supportive environments to all children.

The folks who developed this model have made the assumption that parenting is a learned skill that can be strengthened through study and experience. I wish I had known then what I know now. Lights, camera . . .

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More than 100 Parent Line columns are in the book "Please Tell Me This is Just a Stage." To order, send $9.95 per copy to Distribution Center, Box 5655, NDSU, Fargo, ND 58105-5655.

Kim Bushaw answers the Parent Line, an information and listening support line for North Dakota parents from the NDSU Extension Service. Call the Parent Line at 1-800-258-0808 (231-7923 in Fargo) with questions about this column and other parenting topics. The Parent Line is answered 7:30 a.m. - 9:15 p.m. Monday through Thursday and 7:30 a.m. - 4:00 p.m. Friday.

Source: Kim Bushaw (701) 231-1070

Editor: Becky Koch (701) 231-7875