NEWS for North Dakotans
Agriculture Communication, North Dakota State University
7 Morrill Hall, Fargo, ND 58105-5665

December 3, 1998

Parent Line: Who's My Dad?

Kim Bushaw, Parent Line Program Specialist
NDSU Extension Service

There has always been diversity in family structures. Mary, for example, is 79 years old. She was raised by her grandparents until she left for college. Her mother was ill, and her father worked long hours and had no interest in trying to raise a daughter on his own. Widows and widowers on the prairie were nothing new either. Sickness, poor living conditions and a hard life left many children without one parent at least for a time. Divorce may not have been as common or talked about years ago, but it happened. So did abandonment, and so did mothers who never married. Today, however, we are experiencing a variety of family forms more often and more openly than we have in our history.

Mothers who never marry have a difficult time deciding what to tell their child about his father. The book "Do I Have a Daddy?" by Jeanne Warren Lindsay helps the single-parent mother or father talk about this sensitive issue with their child. The book starts with a story to read with a child and also includes a large section for parents only.

For those parents who had a relationship before the pregnancy, there is usually something of a story to tell. Anne and Kelly were in high school and in love—at least until Anne told Kelly of her pregnancy. He abruptly quit school and left town. Anne lost track of her child's father as she busied herself with the rigors of raising her son, Brandon. At age 3, Brandon asked Joan the big question she had been bracing herself for: "Where is my daddy?"

Although Anne's relationship with Kelly had been as rocky as any teen romance, she was able to tell Brandon of the good times they had together. She reassured him that she was glad to be his mom and that she loved him very much. She was careful to answer his questions simply and clearly. As he grew, Anne continued to tell the stories of his father to Brandon. She knew that any negative reference to Kelly would only serve to make Brandon feel bad about himself. Anne refrained from that sort of talk in front of the boy but took opportunities to develop adult friendships to vent her frustrations over being a single young mother.

Anne reminds Brandon that both she and Kelly were very young when they faced parenthood. His dad obviously wasn't ready to be a father. When Brandon persists or his behaviors show that the simple answers aren't enough, Anne acknowledges his feelings without making him feel pitied. "You would like to have a dad who lives with us, just like your friend Aaron. That would be nice."

Children benefit when parents incorporate healthy children and adults of both genders into their lives. Yet every date is not going to be daddy potential. It may be kindest to introduce children to people who are more stable fixtures in the adult's life than what a new dating relationship might be. Getting their hopes up and the pain of loss are two things children don't need more of at a vulnerable time.

Parents need to be truthful with their children about who their biological father is. Difficult as it may be to tell the truth, especially if some other loving soul is taking the disappearing dad's place, it is almost inevitable that children find out some day in some way who their biological father is, and it really is best if they don't feel that they have lived a lie.

Imagine for a moment that you were just told that your father was really a man you have never met or that your older sister is actually your mother. That changes nearly everything, doesn't it?

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More than 100 Parent Line columns are in the book "Please Tell Me This is Just a Stage." To order, send $9.95 per copy to Distribution Center, Box 5655, NDSU, Fargo, ND 58105-5655.

Kim Bushaw answers the Parent Line, an information and listening support line for North Dakota parents from the NDSU Extension Service. Call the Parent Line at 1-800-258-0808 (231-7923 in Fargo) with questions about this column and other parenting topics. The Parent Line is answered 7:30 a.m. - 9:15 p.m. Monday through Thursday and 7:30 a.m. - 4:00 p.m. Friday.

Source: Kim Bushaw (701) 231-1070

Editor: Becky Koch (701) 231-7875