NEWS for North Dakotans
Agriculture Communication, North Dakota State University
7 Morrill Hall, Fargo, ND 58105-5665

December 17, 1998

Parent Line: Detouring Around the Holiday Stress

Kim Bushaw, Parent Line Program Specialist
NDSU Extension Service

I have no sense of direction. The rest of my family has the uncanny ability to always know which direction they're facing. I don't. I've worked out some strategies to keep from looking too silly, but I never really know which way I'm going at any given moment. I generally know my destination, however, and I ask for landmarks along the way. This has served me well so far with a minimum of stress.

If you've felt dizzy with holiday stress, consider thinking about your destination or goal for the season, even if you don't know exactly how to get there. When you have a goal in mind, the commercialism of the season and the "shoulds" are less likely to throw you off course. Decide what the holidays you celebrate mean to you and what you would like them to mean to your children. Then pick the direction you will go to get there. (I use Christmas as the example, but please insert your own celebrations and modify the suggestions to fit your family.)

Jo Robinson and Jean Coppock Staeheli, in their book "Unplug the Christmas Machine," tell the story of one mother who all through the year shares her joy of making gifts and baking cookies with her young children. At holiday time, however, she revs up and stops at nothing less than making perfect gifts and perfect cookies. Naturally, her children are not allowed to be involved.

I get a mental image of this mother with one foot blocking the kitchen door while she's stretching across the kitchen to open the oven door with her left hand while decorating yet another batch of cookies with her right hand. On the other side of the door, the children are pushing and begging to get in. That would never make it on the front of someone's holiday card, but it can be more of the reality than the picture-perfect cards we often produce.

If the direction you turn finds you with not enough time, consider what your goal is. If your goal is to have more time with your family, schedule those things that allow you to and cross out events taking away from family. Robinson and Coppock Staeheli recall one family that draws a big red and green box around all dates on their calendar from Dec. 15 to Jan. 2. Any activity within that box involves their family members.

If your detour is not enough money, consider trimming the list. Another story from the "Unplug . . . " book tells of a woman who made homemade things for everyone she knew. She ended up sleeping through two religious events because her production line kept her busy several nights before Christmas. Now she shops or knits for only six people who appreciate it and enjoys her holidays.

Consider opening a Christmas club account at the bank, making an item a month or shopping for meaningful yet affordable items during sidewalk sales or while on vacations. From experience I will add that children's wish lists change often, but adults' lists are much more constant. Shopping the after-Christmas sales in January for Grandpa's socks and ties will net a great savings now and make the list shorter next year. Young children grow unpredictably in size and hearts' desires so save them for November or December.

If the roadblock seems to be not enough help or support, look at that goal again. Is someone taking on all the work and pushing the others away in the name of perfection? Are there other reasons that help is scarce? Is there an attitude of gratitude for help or only corrections and reprimands for doing it wrong? Does everyone buy into your goal, or do you need some time to decide as a group what the goal for the holidays should be? Clear, positive communication is often lacking when resources are in short supply.

Most greetings we send to family and friends this time of year tout wishes of peace and joy. Try turning off the outside messages of buy, buy, buy by lighting a candle and reading these cards and letters together as a family. Maybe, just maybe, peace and joy will find its way to you.

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More than 100 Parent Line columns are in the book "Please Tell Me This is Just a Stage." To order, send $9.95 per copy to Distribution Center, Box 5655, NDSU, Fargo, ND 58105-5655.

Kim Bushaw answers the Parent Line, an information and listening support line for North Dakota parents from the NDSU Extension Service. Call the Parent Line at 1-800-258-0808 (231-7923 in Fargo) with questions about this column and other parenting topics. The Parent Line is answered 7:30 a.m. - 9:15 p.m. Monday through Thursday and 7:30 a.m. - 4:00 p.m. Friday.

Source: Kim Bushaw (701) 231-1070

Editor: Becky Koch (701) 231-7875