NEWS for North Dakotans
Agriculture Communication, North Dakota State University
7 Morrill Hall, Fargo, ND 58105-5665

December 23, 1998

Parent Line: I Resolve to . . .

Kim Bushaw, Parent Line Program Specialist
NDSU Extension Service

Habits are so very hard to break, aren't they? Making a New Year's resolution is really about trying to form new habits. We commonly resolve to exercise more, eat less, be more organized, learn something new, finish projects, improve, improve, improve.

What really needs improving is the way we make our resolutions. We often make a bold statement like "I am going to spend more time with my family this year" without filling in the details of how that will happen. If there isn't a plan in place, it will be difficult to make the change stick.

To stop an old habit, replace it with a new, healthier one. To spend more time with your family and less with other activities, find a common interest to share with each family member. If you're not a television watcher or board game player, choose a more active project, but be sure there is mutual agreement on what you will do together. Take time in the planning stages to hash out the details and study the possibilities. Planning is family time too. After all, time together is not an end product; it is a process that doesn't need to be rushed.

Another roadblock to spending more time with family might be other distractions. Remove temptations by leaving work at work. Try punching the home time clock at a particular hour. One wise mother of a large family quit doing housework right after she put dinner on the table each evening. Night hours were used for children's activities and family time. She knew that work would be waiting for her the next day, even if she stayed up all night to do it. There would always be more to do.

A number of parents have the "Oh, I guess I'll just do it then" habit. This starts out small. Infancy kicks it off. Since babies can't feed or protect themselves, we need to do it. When the ball rolls under the coffee table and the 1-year-old can't see it, she cries. An adult flies to her aid. At age 2 the adult continues to prepare food, plan activities and manage the routine for the child. But as children grow, age-appropriate responsibilities must be handed over. Young children can dress themselves, fold and put away clothes, turn off the light switches, carry some food to and from the table, and wipe up spills.

Many early childhood professionals watch preschool children being capable and competent all day long. They build elaborate block towers, share possessions and humor with each other, even manage their toileting alone. But when parents arrive at the end of the day, these same children are dressed, talked to like babies and carried to the car. The teachers tend to like the old adage "Don't do for others what they can do for themselves." This is, of course, tempered with the mood the child is in at the time.

Sometimes it helps to reframe or rethink how you're viewing your old habit. If a parent always picks up after her child, she may want to consider that she is robbing the child of the chance to learn how to organize his toys. Charlotte Wallinga and Anne Sweaney of the University of Georgia remind us that "Parents can encourage independence, self-reliance, and a healthy self-concept by involving children in appropriate household tasks." It certainly would be worth putting old "Hurry up and I'll do it" habits on hold while waiting for little fingers to button their own buttons if it means that much to them.

Old habits do die hard. Sometimes we slip into old patterns. If you start out strong but something goes awry, don't waste a year. Start again the very next minute. I think I will resolve to make new resolutions all year long.

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More than 100 Parent Line columns are in the book "Please Tell Me This is Just a Stage." To order, send $9.95 per copy to Distribution Center, Box 5655, NDSU, Fargo, ND 58105-5655.

Kim Bushaw answers the Parent Line, an information and listening support line for North Dakota parents from the NDSU Extension Service. Call the Parent Line at 1-800-258-0808 (231-7923 in Fargo) with questions about this column and other parenting topics. The Parent Line is answered 7:30 a.m. - 9:15 p.m. Monday through Thursday and 7:30 a.m. - 4:00 p.m. Friday.

Source: Kim Bushaw (701) 231-1070

Editor: Becky Koch (701) 231-7875