NEWS for North Dakotans
Agriculture Communication, North Dakota State University
7 Morrill Hall, Fargo, ND 58105-5665

December 30, 1998

Parent Line: RETHINK that Angry Response

Kim Bushaw, Parent Line Program Specialist
NDSU Extension Service

Elana comes home from work each night tired. Often the first thing she sees when she walks through the door is a stack of dirty dishes from breakfast and snacks. The second thing she sees is her adolescent children looking up from the television with the greeting, "What's for supper? I'm hungry." Elana closes her eyes to fight back the tears and clamps her teeth shut to hold back the angry words.

Paul comes home to his young wife Joanne and 16-month-old son Phillip. Paul used to come in the door to be greeted by a happier wife and a baby who was delighted to see him. Lately, however, Paul feels rejected by Phillip and resented by Joanne. The tension mounts, words are exchanged and Phillip cries when his mom leaves the room.

Anger sometimes sneaks up on us, like with Paul and Joanne. Sometimes it flares up, as with Elana. The Institute for Mental Health Initiatives has developed a program to help all of us, no matter how often or intensely we feel our angry feelings. The program is called RETHINK. Each letter stands for a word to carry us through a process.

The R stands for Recognize. How do you know you're getting angry? What is the cause? In Elana's case, the cause is stress and guilt. She feels guilty that she has worked full time since her children were young. She thinks that their unwillingness to clean the kitchen is because she didn't teach them about taking responsibility early enough. She is stressed because she feels the need to hurry and start their meal. After all, her children are hungry.

The E stands for Empathize. Elana has gone overboard here. She needs to check if these older children of hers need training on how to clean the kitchen and then a system or reminder for getting it done. She should also talk to them about consequences for not getting the work done before she gets home. Perhaps she will simply not start cooking until the kitchen is clean. A few late meals may help them remember.

On the other hand, more empathy might be needed in Paul and Joanne's home. Paul could realize that Phillip is going through a clingy time with his mom. This is wearing on Joanne who watches Paul go off to work each day and take less responsibility for their child. Paul sees Joanne as lucky to be home and loved by Phillip. Joanne sees Paul as lucky to be free to come and go as he pleases. Both know there is another side to the story. Seeing the situation through the other person's eyes helps make actions more understandable.

T stands for Think. It's tough when you're angry, yet learning to reframe or think of your situation in a positive light can turn the tide on a negative situation. Not long ago a friend claimed that she didn't get mad often, and I'm sure that's true. When she said she hadn't been angry since 1985, I burst out laughing. Now when I start to get irritated, I think of her and realize that getting mad is not a constructive use of my precious time. I would rather look for solutions than carry a heavy grudge.

H is for Hearing. Really listen to other people, and let them know that you've heard them. Making eye contact and acknowledging their feelings about the situation helps too.

The I is for Integrate. This is a tough one. Elana could integrate the message that she loves her children and knows that they show responsible behaviors in many ways. She could also let them know how she feels when she sees them relaxing and expecting her to do so much of the work.

N is for Notice. Recognize your body's reactions and what helps bring these reactions under control. Deep breathing, exercise, drawing, dancing: make a list of what helps you, and post it where you'll see it when you need it.

K stands for Keep. Remain focused on the issue in front of you. Leave past wounds in the past. Solve the problem that's present now. Keep in mind what triggers your anger, and admit it. Paul told Joanne he thought she didn't trust him with Phillip's care. Being the youngest in his family, Paul hadn't cared for other children and felt a little self-conscious about his abilities, but he wanted to be trusted so he could learn.

RETHINK. It's a lot to review in a moment of anger but worth the extra time it takes to learn to cool down and solve problems instead of reacting first then feeling bad later. Those bad feelings may turn to guilt then back to anger, and the cycle continues.

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More than 100 Parent Line columns are in the book "Please Tell Me This is Just a Stage." To order, send $9.95 per copy to Distribution Center, Box 5655, NDSU, Fargo, ND 58105-5655.

Kim Bushaw answers the Parent Line, an information and listening support line for North Dakota parents from the NDSU Extension Service. Call the Parent Line at 1-800-258-0808 (231-7923 in Fargo) with questions about this column and other parenting topics. The Parent Line is answered 7:30 a.m. - 9:15 p.m. Monday through Thursday and 7:30 a.m. - 4:00 p.m. Friday.

Source: Kim Bushaw (701) 231-1070

Editor: Becky Koch (701) 231-7875