NEWS for North Dakotans
Agriculture Communication, North Dakota State University
7 Morrill Hall, Fargo, ND 58105-5665

January 7, 1998

Parent Line: I was Born in a Small Town...

Kim Bushaw, Parent Line Program Specialist
NDSU Extension Service

Jane and Stuart and their three children live on a farm, five miles from a small town. When the children were young, Jane and Stu couldn't think of a better place to live. The town had a small grocery, a restaurant and a handful of stores. Their own home had a great yard for the kids to run in and explore. Jane felt safe knowing that she could let her children play outdoors and she would know exactly who they were with because she could see them or hear them at all times.

The birds and small animals provided a lot of entertainment and work, as did the mud puddles after the rain or the great mounds of snow in the winter. But as the children grew into their teen years, they started to complain about the opportunities they were missing by not living in a larger town.

Jane and Stu started to rethink their wonderful life as they listened to their teens' complaints. Were they harming their children or holding them back due to the small school system in their town and limited options for extra-curricular opportunities? Did they really need to be involved with friends so often?

Jodie Roth, Jeanne Brooks-Gunn , Lawrence Murray and William Foster from Columbia University looked at a number of studies to determine what adolescents need. In an article they wrote titled "Promoting Healthy Adolescents," they conclude that what adolescents really need is "access to safe places, challenging experiences and caring people on a daily basis."

Adolescents get restless and their lack of experience tends to make the grass look greener just over the fence. Most parents have heard the song of the school-age child: "Everybody else has..." Well, verse two was written by the adolescent choir and goes something like this: "Everyone else gets to..."

When in doubt, check it out but don't be parent-pressured into agreeing to go along just because other parents have given something the nod. Model resisting peer pressure if a situation looks like trouble.

Interestingly enough, when Jane and Stu asked their kids about moving, none of them actually wanted to leave the farm. What they were wanting was more independence. Adolescents enjoy their social contacts with peers, but daily contacts with nurturing adults are just as important.

The Search Institute suggests that "hanging out," or spending unstructured time with friends, be limited to two or fewer nights per week. They also recommend that constructive time be spent in creative activities for three or more hours each week. The same goes for organized youth programs: three or more hours per week. And religious activities, at least one hour per week. Also, at least one hour of homework per night on school nights and a minimum of three hours of reading for fun each week.

Many of these endeavors can take place right at home with a little assistance from a caring parent, grandparent, neighbor or other trusted adult. Often our own adult hobbies or recreational choices probably stem from an interest that a special person has taught us.

Clubs and groups are most often successful if they are started by a grassroots group of people who have a similar interest. These groups can function with a roster of two or 20. Sometimes the smaller group gets to use more creativity to determine how to get a job done. Quiet, wide-open plains and crowded cities can both as easily breed creative moments. Children in small schools may find it necessary to participate in school-related activities for there to even be a team. Feeling needed can be an important boost for some students this age.

An optimism about one's personal future is another of the Search Institute's developmental assets. Whether adolescents are struggling to find more in a small town, to find space at a big school or just to get through it as an individual, the promise of a bright future full of choices and belonging to groups that feel comfortable are gifts of reassurance for every student.

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More than 100 Parent Line columns are in the book "Please Tell Me This is Just a Stage." To order, send $9.95 per copy to Distribution Center, Box 5655, NDSU, Fargo, ND 58105-5655.

Kim Bushaw answers the Parent Line, an information and listening support line for North Dakota parents from the NDSU Extension Service. Call the Parent Line at 1-800-258-0808 (231-7923 in Fargo) with questions about this column and other parenting topics. The Parent Line is answered 7:30 a.m. - 9:15 p.m. Monday through Thursday and 7:30 a.m. - 4:00 p.m. Friday.

Source: Kim Bushaw (701) 231-1070

Editor: Becky Koch (701) 231-7875