NEWS for North Dakotans
Agriculture Communication, North Dakota State University
7 Morrill Hall, Fargo, ND 58105-5665

January 21, 1999

Parent Line: Better for Whom?

Kim Bushaw, Parent Line Program Specialist
NDSU Extension Service

Without ruining the plot for any would-be movie goers, I'd like to applaud the writers of "Stepmom." There were many fine parts, but I especially liked one very poignant line in the movie. The biological mother questioned her ex-husband and his girlfriend each time they chose not to explain or discuss something with the children. She regularly asked, "Did you talk to her about that?" The other adult replied, "No, I thought it would be better not to." The mother never failed to see through that excuse so delivered her zinger, "Better for whom?"

Many of us may be guilty of sidestepping an issue from time to time. Sometimes we wrestle with what to tell the children. Other times we would just as soon ignore the situation or distract them rather than dive in and talk about the tough stuff. Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, in their book "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk," recognize the importance of acknowledging a person's thoughts and feelings as a cornerstone to communication.

One example is very young children being delivered to their child care provider. When the child misses his parent and begins to cry, the seasoned provider will level with the child, hear his feeling and help him learn to trust her. She might even say, "You seem to be missing your mom right now. It's hard to see her go. She'll be at work today, and then when she's done, she'll come back and get you."

Even very young children seem to respond favorably to being heard and understood. It is usually better for the children if they feel that someone understands their needs.

For an adult equivalent, think about being dropped off in a foreign land where nobody understood you. However, you could pick up many of their words and gestures. Think of how reassured you would be if someone smiled, empathized with your situation and guessed correctly what you were concerned about. You could be much more calm and maybe even allow yourself to enjoy the time in this unique land, knowing you were going home at the end of your stay. Conversely, I think many of us would probably remain loud and agitated until the bitter end if we didn't have that reassurance.

School-age children worry about very concrete things like personal safety. Some children are helped when the parent realizes the worry, talks about possible dangerous situations and reviews the safety information that goes with each potential problem. From an adult's view, we hesitate to talk about things that we think may scare our children. And we can't bear to think that something bad may happen to our precious children. But of course, listening for concerns and passing along helpful information to keep children safe is better for them and for us.

Teens are curious about a lot of things as they grow up, and just like all of us, they will fill in the details with their imaginations if they don't get the facts. In our world of divorce, job changes, moves, drugs, dating, sex and disease, teens have a lot of uncertainty. When adults take the time to listen and share pertinent information, it is better for them to not only get the answers they need now but to know there is a source of information and reassurance available to them in the future as well. There are times when postponing a discussion is necessary so that you have time to really listen and respond. Don't put it off too long. Sometimes it is necessary to get more information or resources to fully answer a question. Seek out these resources together and the child will get his question answered and learn where to find the answers too. If you must put off the talk for a while, say so.

A big part of this relationship is building trust. It will be better for everyone if you are honest about why you aren't ready to talk about a concern. Listening to and acknowledging thoughts and feelings help children feel more control in their relationships.

Personally I gave the film a 3.5 tissue-box rating, which denotes a really heart-wrenching cinema experience on my scale. But it will be better for you if I stop before I'm tempted to tell the plot.

###

More than 100 Parent Line columns are in the book "Please Tell Me This is Just a Stage." To order, send $9.95 per copy to Distribution Center, Box 5655, NDSU, Fargo, ND 58105-5655.

Kim Bushaw answers the Parent Line, an information and listening support line for North Dakota parents from the NDSU Extension Service. Call the Parent Line at 1-800-258-0808 (231-7923 in Fargo) with questions about this column and other parenting topics. The Parent Line is answered 7:30 a.m. - 9:15 p.m. Monday through Thursday and 7:30 a.m. - 4:00 p.m. Friday.

Source: Kim Bushaw (701) 231-1070

Editor: Becky Koch (701) 231-7875