NEWS for North Dakotans
Agriculture Communication, North Dakota State University
7 Morrill Hall, Fargo, ND 58105-5665

January 28, 1999

Parent Line: `Nobody Likes Me' . . . How Parents and Teachers Can Help

Kim Bushaw, Parent Line Program Specialist
NDSU Extension Service

By around age 3, children may ask for someone to play with. Because they are not able to get far on their own, most children play with selected neighborhood children, the children of their parents' friends and assorted relatives. They play with other children because of their toys.

I recall taking my son to an acquaintance's house for coffee when he was about 4 years old. He played with Legos for hours. Several weeks later he asked if we could go back to his friend's house. "You know who, Mom. The Lego boy."

These play experiences may look like wasted time to the untrained eye; however, play and friends are serious business. Having a few interesting toys and an adult who is willing to help the child learn to engage others, to appropriately enter a group and to take turns will be very helpful for the preschool child.

The early school ages see children who enjoy playing group games with organized rules. Children who have always been allowed to win every time at home with family members will be quickly dismissed from group play by their peers. Teaching this age child how to win with some decorum and lose gracefully isn't easy, but it is important if he would like to have other chances to play. To one friend on the phone or at the door, kindergartners through second graders may say something like, "I can't play with you; my friend is here now."

According to Elin McCoy, author of "What To Do . . . When Kids Are Mean To Your Child," many times the third man is out because children haven't learned to play with more than one other child at a time. Parents and teachers can help by creatively introducing new roles in the game that will be acceptable and fun for everyone. Adults can also help devise kinder lines to let the child know that the other child is busy for now but would love to play later.

Fourth-grade friendships can be rough. Many hours of a school counselor's day seem to be spent working out kinks in social situations. If a child is being neglected, be a good listener, but don't show undue pity. Instead, help him learn an appealing skill such as juggling or start an interesting collection that is portable and inexpensive enough to share. Coach him on negotiation and problem solving or other skills as needed.

The middle school years can be a major time of change. In many areas of the state, children from a number of grade schools come together to the middle school or junior high. This can be a good opportunity for those children who were not part of a group to find their niches in this larger population. Children who play a sport or are involved in band, orchestra or some other activity will have a built-in bunch to connect with in the hall or at lunch. Parents and teachers can help students find interest areas and groups to go with those interests.

Help students develop a charitable attitude toward others. The most popular children today are not necessarily there tomorrow. Encourage students to see the value of making friends with people with similar interests rather than making friends who will up their social standing.

Those folks with similar interests will inevitably be more interesting to your student and probably more attainable as friends.

The tough assignment? Have fun with your own friends once in a while, and let your children know how you expect them to act by leading the way yourself.

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More than 100 Parent Line columns are in the book "Please Tell Me This is Just a Stage." To order, send $9.95 per copy to Distribution Center, Box 5655, NDSU, Fargo, ND 58105-5655.

Kim Bushaw answers the Parent Line, an information and listening support line for North Dakota parents from the NDSU Extension Service. Call the Parent Line at 1-800-258-0808 (231-7923 in Fargo) with questions about this column and other parenting topics. The Parent Line is answered 7:30 a.m. - 9:15 p.m. Monday through Thursday and 7:30 a.m. - 4:00 p.m. Friday.

Source: Kim Bushaw (701) 231-1070

Editor: Becky Koch (701) 231-7875