NEWS for North Dakotans
Agriculture Communication, North Dakota State University
7 Morrill Hall, Fargo, ND 58105-5665

February 11, 1999

Parent Line: Can You Imagine?

Kim Bushaw, Parent Line Program Specialist
NDSU Extension Service

Have you ever caught yourself driving alone in the car talking out loud as though someone were riding next to you? Every once in a while a member of our family has a tough day and talks loudly to the offending invisible person while taking a shower. It's a little unnerving to walk past the bathroom and hear this one-sided conversation.

I used to make a point of saying, "Who have you got in there today?" Or, "Should I set another place for dinner?" I did this until I was told it just wasn't funny, and besides, it was a private discussion.

These sorts of event occurs, I suppose, because we need some time to develop our thoughts and consider the consequences. Literally talking the situation out helps some of us to practice a "speech" we are thinking about giving. Many times it is actually a speech we would like to be brave enough to deliver but never will, and we know it.

Young children, generally the oldest or only children between the ages of 3 and 6, find this imaginary way of dealing with people helpful too. Their imaginary friends are useful in some of the same ways. Children may want to practice a word or behavior that they aren't sure of, so they appoint an invisible friend to try it out first.

Young Bethany reported to her dad one day that Danielle, her imaginary friend, had said, "I hate that yucky soup."

Bethany's dad, a veteran of these types of friends, calmly replied, "I hope you told Danielle that she should say, `No, thank you. I don't care for any soup today.'"

"I did Daddy," Bethany replied, as she slid from the table and excused herself.

Bethany's dad loves the fact that his daughter has a playmate for all times, a creative brain and a safe way to try out behaviors. He addresses the imaginary friend only through his daughter. He knows that talking directly to Danielle may actually scare Bethany if she thinks Dad can see her. It also takes away Bethany's ability to use her own creativity to change Danielle when she needs too.

Sometimes Bethany makes Danielle into a bit of a troublemaker by having Danielle try out behaviors she would never consider. Bethany of course always knows better and scolds Danielle for her inability to remember the rules. In their book "The Preschool Years," Ellen Galinsky and Judy David discuss how young children have a difficult time seeing someone as both good and bad. By inventing a separate person to be bad while she is good helps Bethany make sense of things. At other times, Danielle is a great listener, sharer of books and toys and a comfort to have in Bethany's room, especially on dark or stormy nights.

Her Dad realizes that Bethany is growing in her need for real friends and social relationships and has started to make more time for other children to come to their home to play. If real friends were shunned for the pretend ones or if the child's fantasy world were out of balance with the rest of her world, Dad would consider it a problem. But for now, Danielle appears only when Bethany needs her.

Danielle first appeared last summer when Bethany's family moved to a new house. Other children have friends appear for no visible reason at all. Usually these pretend friends disappear as fast as they appear, often within a year's time.

We actually had a Dani at our house for some time many years ago too. She came to live in our backyard, under the slide, about the same time our second child was born. It was a little sad to see her go because that meant our oldest had passed another developmental milestone and had grown up a little more.

Thinking ahead, Bethany's Dad mutters to himself, "Is it possible for adults to miss their children's pretend playmates?"

Hmm... maybe that active imagination runs in the family.

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More than 100 Parent Line columns are in the book "Please Tell Me This is Just a Stage." To order, send $9.95 per copy to Distribution Center, Box 5655, NDSU, Fargo, ND 58105-5655.

Kim Bushaw answers the Parent Line, an information and listening support line for North Dakota parents from the NDSU Extension Service. Call the Parent Line at 1-800-258-0808 (231-7923 in Fargo) with questions about this column and other parenting topics. The Parent Line is answered 7:30 a.m. - 9:15 p.m. Monday through Thursday and 7:30 a.m. - 4:00 p.m. Friday.

Source: Kim Bushaw (701) 231-1070

Editor: Becky Koch (701) 231-7875