NEWS for North Dakotans
Agriculture Communication, North Dakota State University
7 Morrill Hall, Fargo, ND 58105-5665

February 25, 1999

Parent Line: The Tale of Two Teens

Kim Bushaw, Parent Line Program Specialist
NDSU Extension Service

Toby is 15 years old and living in a home for troubled boys. He doesn't mind that he's there too much. Living on the street was scary sometimes, even though he had gang affiliations. Toby was willing to do whatever it took to be accepted—a willingness that led to his crime, arrest and placement in this home.

As a little kid, Toby learned to do many things independently since his parents had "their own problems." When it got too long between meals, he'd steal food from the convenience store near his home for himself and his younger brothers. As he grew older and got better at stealing, he realized that fencing stolen goods was more lucrative than swiping hot dogs. So was selling drugs, for that matter.

By his 14th birthday, he had several girlfriends and a car. Shortly after that birthday, he loaded up his car with his worldly possessions and headed out to leave behind the memories of his difficult childhood and the brothers he had long tried to keep alive. He'd had enough and decided that independence from all this baggage was what he craved most.

Mark is also 15 years old. He is living at home with his two sisters, his parents and a grandfather, his dad's dad, who no longer feels comfortable living alone. Mark defines himself as a part of a family. He's one of three siblings, a son, a grandson, a band member, a basketball player and a volunteer for the local food bank. He is also a member of a church where he sings in the youth choir. Mark knows that dinner is always between 5:30 and 6:00. He can count on his parents to supply the food for their meals. Mark can also count on both of them being at the table most of the time to share his day. He takes turns setting the table and doing dishes. When he has too much homework, one of his sisters will take his turn. When one of them has too much homework, he fills in.

Mark earns B's and A's on his report card. He juggles a full schedule and still has time for friends. Mark has made a routine of playing a hand of cards with his grandfather each night and, without anyone knowing it, has found innovative ways to incorporate his sisters into his grandfather's life as well. With two parents away at work, Mark realizes that days can be lonely for Grandad if someone doesn't put forth the effort to include him.

It's pretty obvious that these two teens are very different people. Toby is trouble, and Mark is the teen many people just dream about. But if we look a little closer, we may see that there are similarities in these two adolescents. According to Martin Brokenleg, Larry Brendtro and Steve Van Bockern, the authors of "Reclaiming Youth at Risk: Our Hope for the Future," youth are striving to find four basic things.

Belonging. Both Toby and Mark need to belong. Youth can belong to healthy groups or groups that cause them harm and trouble. Toby tried to find that "belongingness" in his family but later looked to gang membership to find what he was missing. Mark belongs to a family and several other groups that affirm him. He feels loved and knows he can trust that the people in the groups are there for him in a consistent way.

Mastery. Mark achieved success in school, in his volunteering efforts and in several activities. Toby succeeded in feeding and caring for his little brothers for several years, even though he was just a child himself. He mistakenly developed "delinquent skills" to do it because he saw few choices and no positive role models.

Independence. As Mark grew more confident in his abilities, he was also expected to become more responsible. He developed the self-control to stay home and play a hand of cards with his grandfather each night and postpone his need to go out with friends until after their game. Mark took responsibility for his chores as well. Toby took his independence in another way. He became reckless and rebellious with no respect for authority. Becoming sexually active made him feel more grown-up and independent.

Generosity. Toby started out caring for his brothers, but when he could no longer handle this role, he found a way out. He decided instead to care for only himself, and that is truly what he did. He became selfish and hardened to others. Mark learned to care for others both in his family and in the other groups to which he belonged.

Belonging, mastery, independence and generosity. The goals for youth are the same, the paths they choose and the outcomes depend on the adult guidance they get. Go ahead, show them how it's done!

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More than 100 Parent Line columns are in the book "Please Tell Me This is Just a Stage." To order, send $9.95 per copy to Distribution Center, Box 5655, NDSU, Fargo, ND 58105-5655.

Kim Bushaw answers the Parent Line, an information and listening support line for North Dakota parents from the NDSU Extension Service. Call the Parent Line at 1-800-258-0808 (231-7923 in Fargo) with questions about this column and other parenting topics. The Parent Line is answered 7:30 a.m. - 9:15 p.m. Monday through Thursday and 7:30 a.m. - 4:00 p.m. Friday.

Source: Kim Bushaw (701) 231-1070

Editor: Becky Koch (701) 231-7875