NEWS for North Dakotans
Agriculture Communication, North Dakota State University
7 Morrill Hall, Fargo, ND 58105-5665

March 18, 1999

Parent Line: Times Like These

Kim Bushaw, Parent Line Program Specialist
NDSU Extension Service

Bridget was deep in her thoughts at the kitchen sink. Everyone had gone off to school except 5-year-old Angela, who was busily rearranging blocks to build a house for her new birthday bunny. Husband John was at work so Bridget finally had a minute to process yesterday's visit with her mother.

This visit was the worst by far. For months, Bridget had been able to excuse her mother's forgetful behavior, but when they were together last evening, it was too much to overlook anymore. John had commented in the past that he thought she seemed like she was having trouble remembering details about recent events. Bridget defended her by saying that Mother had a lot more to think about now with Dad gone. But it has been five years since Bridget's dad passed away, and her mother had been better at keeping things straight between then and now.

Almost as though she were thinking out loud, Angela picked up on her mother's thought waves and worst fears. "Mommy, why does Grandma keep calling me Cora? My name is Angela. She got kind of mad when I didn't answer her, but that's not my name."

"You noticed that too, did you? Well, Grandma was very tired at the end of the day yesterday, and you look like her little sister Cora used to when she was your age. Do you remember great-aunt Cora? She lives in that big yellow house and has those two birds for pets. We saw her last summer. Do you remember riding in her boat?"

There I go again, Bridget thought, making excuses for Mother and changing the subject away from her unusual behaviors. Angela watched her mother as she started to cry. She patted her mother softly at first and then began to cry too.

Grandparents can be very special commodities in a child's life. When grandparents become sick or less able to care for themselves, the whole family may well be affected. In this situation, Bridget has to accept that there is a problem, talk to her brothers and sister about what she has noticed, help find appropriate assistance for her mother, and on top of all that, deal with her own children's grief—grief because the healthy, happy-go-lucky, self-sufficient, always-ready-to-play Grandma is changing roles from caregiver to the one who will need increasing care.

Adolescents may understand this progression but still not want to accept that it's happening to someone they love. Additional chores may fall to them at a time when they are trying to separate from family and spend more time with friends. A grandparent's chronic illness may also use resources of family time and money, reminding the teen of the short time he may have left to spend with this special person.

Adults can help by listening when the adolescent is ready to talk. Explain what is happening to the grandparent and what your expectations are for your teen's help and support. Help him see that the grandparent is the same person and is entitled to the same love and respect as always. Plan some alone time together for the teen and grandparent as the adolescent may not be ready to expose his feelings in a public way.

Parents may seem emotionally as well as physically distanced from their children. School-age children may see time and attention as love. Many will worry as they think about the sick grandparent and all the pleasures they will be missing. They may also wonder if this chronic illness is catching. "Will I get an Alzheimer's (or a stroke or cancer) if I hug Grandma? Will Mom or Dad get sick? Who will take care of me then?"

If the disease or event has affected the grandparent's outward appearance, it may be of concern too. Medical machinery such as tubing, needles, oxygen tanks and the like need to be carefully explained to children before they first see Grandpa in the hospital. Being prepared helps reduce the stress and trauma of seeing a loved one in a new setting or altered in appearance.

Preschool children also need to be prepared for what they will see when they visit a chronically ill grandparent. They may have many questions that they don't know how to ask. If the preschool child isn't clear on a fact, she is likely to fill in the blanks with stories from her imagination. For example, she may believe that the tube in Grandma's nose is sucking out her air and making her sick. It is important to explain new circumstances in terms the child will understand.

Young children enjoy drawing in times of stress. Supply paper and drawing utensils on an ongoing basis. Reading books such as "Grandpa Doesn't Know It's Me" by Donna Guthrie and "Wilfrid Gordon McDonald Partridge" by Mem Fox, both about Alzheimer's disease, will help children see other children in their situation. Play equipment, like a doctor's kit for example, may also help children play through the stress of a hospitalized grandparent.

Parents are called on to meet the needs of their children at times like these even as they struggle to deal with their own sadness and stress over this difficult situation.

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More than 100 Parent Line columns are in the book "Please Tell Me This is Just a Stage." To order, send $9.95 per copy to Distribution Center, Box 5655, NDSU, Fargo, ND 58105-5655.

Kim Bushaw answers the Parent Line, an information and listening support line for North Dakota parents from the NDSU Extension Service. Call the Parent Line at 1-800-258-0808 (231-7923 in Fargo) with questions about this column and other parenting topics. The Parent Line is answered 7:30 a.m. - 9:15 p.m. Monday through Thursday and 7:30 a.m. - 4:00 p.m. Friday.

Source: Kim Bushaw (701) 231-1070

Editor: Becky Koch (701) 231-7875