NEWS for North Dakotans
Agriculture Communication, North Dakota State University
7 Morrill Hall, Fargo, ND 58105-5665

March 25, 1999

Parent Line: Atten-tion!

Kim Bushaw, Parent Line Program Specialist
NDSU Extension Service

"OK, kids, listen up. Mommy has to go TDY PDQ, so how about a little TLC before I go? B-y-e." Translation not needed for military families; they already speak this language. But for you civilians, here it is again. "OK, kids, listen to me. I have to go on temporary duty pretty darn quick, so how about a little tender loving care before I go? Bye."

Parents in the military have a number of wonderful benefits. They can move up in their jobs with opportunities for education and training. Family services, health care and dental care are readily available. A military base is like living in a small, close-knit community but with the amenities of a larger city. Many of the day-to-day goods and services are less expensive or taken care of for the military family. Military personnel have the option of retiring at an early age.

But with all these perks, the military family also has some unusual circumstances to overcome. TDY is certainly one.

Military families are very familiar with the term TDY -- again, the acronym for temporary duty. Whether the separation is for a few days or many months and whether it's for training or for a riskier maneuver, families need to constantly readjust to having a member who is sometimes available and sometimes not.

Katharine Kersey, in her book "Helping Your Child Handle Stress," offers several suggestions for making reunions easier for these families. When possible, she suggests, parents should have time alone with each other for a day or two first before adding the children to the mix. In this way, parents can have some uninterrupted time to get reacquainted, make important decisions and iron out the rules again.

Kersey suggests giving the children time and space to warm up to the returning parent, especially for very young children. Depending on the stage of the child and how the separation has gone, it may take the child longer to reconnect with the parent than he or she might think. Be available and inviting, but take your cues from the child. Grabbing a baby out of his father's arms and hugging him gleefully after several months of being gone is sure to set off a reaction Mommy isn't looking for.

The parent at home can do his or her best to keep routines and rules constant. Older children are likely to take on more responsibilities when one parent is gone for any length of time. This teen may also expect extra privileges to go with his more mature role. It will be important to make decisions about rules and roles before the parent leaves so everyone involved is able to anticipate who will be in charge of what and what privileges will continue after the parent returns home again.

In the military, orders are made to be carried out. They serve many important functions on the job. But commanding or being commanded doesn't always sit as well at home, especially after an absence where everyone has functioned fine without orders.

Keeping connected during the separation is important for everyone involved. Experts suggest correspondence should be kept as positive as possible but also honest so that the person returning home isn't in for big surprises. Send audio or video tapes of everyday events back and forth. After a few days away, even the dinnertime squabbles are a welcome listen.

Stories read or told by the parent who will be going away can be recorded before departure for playback at a later bedtime. Postcards, children's art and photos are appreciated mail any time and help the person who is away stay in touch with day-to-day events.

Help children mark off the days by tracking the trip on a map or drawing your own calendar using suns and moons to determine nights and days that have passed. One family uses a candy kiss stuck to each calendar square. Every day the child takes one off as a kiss from his mom. When all the candy kisses are gone, Mom is back home giving kisses of her own.

Parents who remain at home need to build in their own supports because children deserve to have parents who are honest with their feelings but don't deserve to get the brunt of unhappiness when things go wrong. Other adults who can help out with child care, broken pipes, a car that won't start or the need to talk on a grown-up level are a must. Add friends, support groups and family activities as a way of taking care of yourself.

Many families report that the hours before departure are filled with disagreements resulting in hard feelings and regrets. With some calm planning, TDY can become a routine event filled with TLC from family members. Isn't it worth some atten-tion?

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More than 100 Parent Line columns are in the book "Please Tell Me This is Just a Stage." To order, send $9.95 per copy to Distribution Center, Box 5655, NDSU, Fargo, ND 58105-5655.

Kim Bushaw answers the Parent Line, an information and listening support line for North Dakota parents from the NDSU Extension Service. Call the Parent Line at 1-800-258-0808 (231-7923 in Fargo) with questions about this column and other parenting topics. The Parent Line is answered 7:30 a.m. - 9:15 p.m. Monday through Thursday and 7:30 a.m. - 4:00 p.m. Friday.

Source: Kim Bushaw (701) 231-1070

Editor: Becky Koch (701) 231-7875