NEWS for North Dakotans
Agriculture Communication, North Dakota State University
7 Morrill Hall, Fargo, ND 58105-5665

April 8, 1999

Parent Line: The Threes Have It

Kim Bushaw, Parent Line Program Specialist
NDSU Extension Service

"Say, Haley, how old are you now?"

"I'm 2."

"But you had a birthday and turned 3 just last month. Now you're 3."

"I'm 2."

"You were 2, then you had a birthday and turned 3. Remember, Grandpa and Grandma and Jill and Bart and the kids came over, and we had cake and you opened presents? Now you're 3."

Angrily, "No! I'm 2, and that is all. Go out!"

Age 3 may be best summed up as the year of opposites. On one hand, it's a wonderful year of growth and discovery, and on the other, a very trying year—wonderful for the 3-year-old and often trying for the parent. There seems to be a laundry list of reasons that this particular year is challenging for parents.

The 3-year-old has verbal skills, which is great if the child is sad or hurt or excited about something. He can describe it in detail. It can also be wearing after three hours in the car of nonstop questions, whining and knock-knock joke (only one, repeated several times, always followed by howls of laughter). The same little voice that reminds you to buy ground beef for dinner can also tell you what you shouldn't do, such as say bad words.

Three-year-olds are able to repeat what you've said so you're under the impression they know what you're talking about whether or not that is the case. Backtalk may find its beginnings now as well. The 3-year-old is simply using words and tones he has learned from others. When adults use the words and tones they want to hear parroted back to them, there will be fewer opportunities to scold. Enjoying the engaging conversations, ignoring the talk that is meant for a shocked reaction, and reminding the child of what words not to use and which ones to use instead will help adults find harmony with their young orators.

Physically the 3-year-old can be a challenge too. She may be determined to tears to tie her own shoes but physically not able to make her hands go just where she wants them. On the other hand, that little body may climb up on the countertops or the tallest slide in the wink of an eye. She has less self-control than she needs to keep herself safe and her friends from getting clubbed if they reach for her favorite toy. Close supervision, safe spaces to explore and appropriate activities will help keep injuries to a minimum and fun to the maximum.

Toileting independently becomes a big issue for those who haven't done it yet—or at least to their parents and grandparents. Here's another example of opposite thinking. Adults may want to force or coerce the child to become independent. Teaching toileting skills, providing tools and time to practice, and keeping praise and disappointment to a minimum may encourage the young learner's independence rather than make the bathroom a battleground.

On the up side, 3-year-olds can concentrate hard on something they are interested in, for instance, a water puddle, their favorite video or listening to a friend use new words. This may be the flip side of good, depending on what they're wearing, what their favorite video happens to be and what new vocabulary they're learning.

The three is developing a sense of humor, but it's not what one would consider very high brow yet. Put a sock on your hand or underwear on your head and you will be the hit of the party, according to your 3-year-old.

If parents are willing to supervise two 3-year-olds, it can be a nice treat for the child to have a friend over to play. The three will love it, even if he doesn't treat the friend very well. Learning that other people have feelings too is a job that still lies ahead for this age child.

Mealtime becomes a trial as "food jags" become troublesome dinner guests. Offering a variety of good foods, including at least one thing the child will eat, at every meal is a good start. According to Ellyn Satter, author of several books, including "How to Get Your Kid to Eat . . . But Not Too Much," there is a division of responsibility in eating. Parents need to serve nutritious food in an appealing manner, and children need to decide how much or whether they will eat. If the child is willing to eat peanut butter for every meal, why not smear it on celery for supper, pancakes for breakfast and a banana for snack? Why hide the jar and pretend not to have any until they try their peas? Most threes know the exact inventory of any cupboard in the house better than the cook.

This year can be an emotional roller coaster with up-and-down days, hours or moments. Bedtime can be a nightmare one month and a dream the next. Cutting a sandwich or breaking a cookie in half will bring the three to tears. Routines are meant to be followed, and pages in a book are never to be skipped, no matter how late it is. Even for all the little negative quirks this year brings, it can be positively one of the most fun.

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More than 100 Parent Line columns are in the book "Please Tell Me This is Just a Stage." To order, send $9.95 per copy to Distribution Center, Box 5655, NDSU, Fargo, ND 58105-5655.

Kim Bushaw answers the Parent Line, an information and listening support line for North Dakota parents from the NDSU Extension Service. Call the Parent Line at 1-800-258-0808 (231-7923 in Fargo) with questions about this column and other parenting topics. The Parent Line is answered 7:30 a.m. - 9:15 p.m. Monday through Thursday and 7:30 a.m. - 4:00 p.m. Friday.

Source: Kim Bushaw (701) 231-1070

Editor: Becky Koch (701) 231-7875