NEWS for North Dakotans
Agriculture Communication, North Dakota State University
7 Morrill Hall, Fargo, ND 58105-5665

April 15, 1999

Parent Line: It's Not the Easy Way ...

Kim Bushaw, Parent Line Program Specialist
NDSU Extension Service

My husband has been a long-time fan of the singing cowboy group Riders in the Sky. Along with their music, they also tell stories, recite cowboy poetry and share a lot of laughs. When I noticed the advertisement announcing that they would be in Fargo in May, I thought about their famous slogan from a few years back. After one of them would tell a story and the others would marvel at the difficulties the character in the story had endured, they would suggest that perhaps there might have been an easier way to do things. This was the point in the storytelling for their famous motto: "That would be the easy way, but it wouldn't be the cowboy way."

Fifteen-year-olds could probably adapt this slogan for their own use. Working on issues of independence, they find themselves making more decisions than ever before. Their slogan could read, "It's not the easy way, it's the 15-year-olds' way."

Parents frequently want to know what is normal for this age. Variation may well be the norm. Physically, some 15-year-olds look like adults. Boys may have body and facial hair, muscles and mature-sounding voices. Girls may have developed womanly figures and most will have the physical ability to bear children. These physical changes, coming rapidly or slowly, early or late, are determined by genetic programming that is inherited, according to Donald Greydanus with the American Academy of Pediatrics.

During this period of change, some teens will choose the easy way. They will talk to their parents about concerns they are having with their physical development and get reassurances from their doctors that they are developing according to their own genetic timetables. And many will choose the harder way, out of a concern that something they have done is causing either an early or late maturation cycle. This worry, and possible guilt, could help spur a negative attitude about this important subject.

Parents who choose the easy way talk to their kids—early and often—about adolescence and the changes it brings. These adults will invite open communication as questions arise and check in regularly with teens regarding this important issue.

The 15-year-old will also be developing socially. Some will choose the easy way and make friends with only those people their parents approve of. Many will choose their areas of interest, such as sports, music, drama or journalism, and friendships will naturally develop from being together with others in the same group. Some will choose unhealthy interests such as drugs, tobacco use, drinking, illegal activity and sex as their way to relate to friends. Parents who choose the easy way will help their children develop skills that spawn appropriate interests. They also model behaviors they want their children to copy when it comes to healthy lifestyles and relationships.

The child at 15 is working hard on developing into the adult he will become. He isn't there yet, however, and guidance is still an important job for parents. Limit setting will often get a negative reaction because the teen sees himself as capable of making all of his own decisions. Some teens will choose the easy way. They will get good grades, drive carefully, be home early and do their chores cheerfully. Many 15-year-olds will push the limits, argue about what time to be home and conveniently schedule something else in place of chores, at least once in a while. Some 15-year-olds will choose to break the law, ignore their families and spend too much time under the influence of friends.

Parents who choose the hard way will demand total control. But total parental control gives teens little practice with self-control, and since much of a teen's time is spent away from the parent, maintaining total control is a difficult goal to achieve.

Some parents will consider this stage of development too difficult to manage and let the child run his own life, so to speak. These parents may then try to save the child from the natural consequences at the last minute to prove they are still needed. This rescue-plan approach can teach the teen that he doesn't have to be accountable for, or learn from, his mistakes. Parents who spend time with their children, set reasonable limits and follow through with logical consequences invite cooperation and encourage responsibility.

There is not one right way to grow physically, socially or independently. There is not one right way to parent. But there are easier and harder ways to do things. When parents and teens work at it together, they are bound to find the best way for them.

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More than 100 Parent Line columns are in the book "Please Tell Me This is Just a Stage." To order, send $9.95 per copy to Distribution Center, Box 5655, NDSU, Fargo, ND 58105-5655.

Kim Bushaw answers the Parent Line, an information and listening support line for North Dakota parents from the NDSU Extension Service. Call the Parent Line at 1-800-258-0808 (231-7923 in Fargo) with questions about this column and other parenting topics. The Parent Line is answered 7:30 a.m. - 9:15 p.m. Monday through Thursday and 7:30 a.m. - 4:00 p.m. Friday.

Source: Kim Bushaw (701) 231-1070

Editor: Becky Koch (701) 231-7875