NEWS for North Dakotans
Agriculture Communication, North Dakota State University
7 Morrill Hall, Fargo, ND 58105-5665

April 22, 1999

Parent Line: Why Tyler?

Kim Bushaw, Parent Line Program Specialist
NDSU Extension Service

Justin is 19 years old. He is attending a trade school and working. During his free time on weekends, he plays football and goes out with friends. Life is good. Or at least it was good until one of his best friends died in a traffic accident. Tyler had been working late the night he fell asleep at the wheel and missed a turn in the road.

Still in disbelief, Justin feels numb and empty. In his short 19 years, he has never experienced such depth of pain and confusion. Justin and his friends are learning to support one another in their grief. They are also relying on their families and professionals to lead them through this difficult time.

Whether it's a friend or family member, it seems to Justin that the same words keep being recycled every time one of them tries to speak: "Why did this have to happen to him? He was the nicest guy."

Death often brings to the forefront all that a person has meant to us. The sad truth is nice guys die too. The sudden and unexpected death of a young person can be extremely difficult to understand and accept.

This may be especially true for the surviving young friends who may have little experience with such a profound loss. Death is indeed a part of life, but we want to consider it only at a ripe old age, not during our youth. According to David J. Bredehoft of the Minnesota Council on Family Relations, some adolescents are able to view death more like adults generally do, as something that is universal, inevitable and irreversible. Other teens have the illusion that nothing bad will ever happen to them shattered by the death of a young friend.

"If only I had . . . " Teenagers have a strong sense of responsibility that may make them feel responsible for the friend's death. When one friend survives an accident and the other does not, it is normal for the survivor to feel guilty. "Why him? Why not me?"

Marilyn E. Gootman, author of "When a Friend Dies: A Book for Teens about Grieving and Healing," suggests that to admit there was nothing one could do to stop the tragedy is to admit powerlessness. According to Gootman it is easier to feel guilty than to be afraid of the lack of control that comes from feeling as if you have no power. "If only I had . . . " statements turn the fear to guilt.

"When will this horrible feeling go away?" Intense emotions are a very normal part of the grief process. Often a roller coaster analogy is used to describe people's reactions to death. At first you may descend into a deep abyss of sadness, then eventually you are able to slowly creep to the top. A time of calm may appear and then before you know it, you are being hurled back down into the grief again. This may last several months, a year or maybe more, but the periods of despair lessen as time passes. That doesn't mean you won't feel joy and all other "up" emotions; it simply means that the friend's life and death will always be a part of you.

It is often important for teens to find out as many details as needed to satisfy their own quest for answers. Suggest they read books about other people's grief journeys. They can share their thoughts and feelings with friends, family members and helping professionals. This is especially important if the teen feels stuck in sadness. Help the teen find safe, meaningful ways to commemorate the friend's life and death. Encourage them to cry out loud in a crowd or cry alone in the shower, but don't be afraid to cry if they feel like it. It's a natural release for strong emotions. Birthdays, holidays and Friday night football games may cause tears for years to come.

Some people try to deny their feelings by keeping too busy, withdrawing from others and using unhealthy escapes. These methods can make grief worse. Parents can help by monitoring their teen's moods and behaviors. Be available to listen and connect with family therapy, hospice, help-lines or support groups that deal directly with the type of death his or her friend has experienced.

Tyler's friendship changed Justin's life. They had great times together and made elaborate life plans. They were both at the age when they were separating from family and relying on friends more than ever before.

Tyler's death has changed Justin's life too. Justin is still numb. Next he will hurt, but eventually he will heal and be thankful for the friendship, the Friday night football games and all the great plans he shared with his friend.

###

More than 100 Parent Line columns are in the book "Please Tell Me This is Just a Stage." To order, send $9.95 per copy to Distribution Center, Box 5655, NDSU, Fargo, ND 58105-5655.

Kim Bushaw answers the Parent Line, an information and listening support line for North Dakota parents from the NDSU Extension Service. Call the Parent Line at 1-800-258-0808 (231-7923 in Fargo) with questions about this column and other parenting topics. The Parent Line is answered 7:30 a.m. - 9:15 p.m. Monday through Thursday and 7:30 a.m. - 4:00 p.m. Friday.

Source: Kim Bushaw (701) 231-1070

Editor: Becky Koch (701) 231-7875