NEWS for North Dakotans
Agriculture Communication, North Dakota State University
7 Morrill Hall, Fargo, ND 58105-5665

May 27, 1999

Kim Bushaw, Parent Line Program Specialist
NDSU Extension Service

"You left your bike out in the yard again. No television for you tonight, young man."

"Don't hit your sister. That's it. No computer for you this week."

"A D in reading! You're grounded until you've read at least five books. Now get going."

Some of my most interesting phone calls are from parents trying to determine what will best teach their child a lesson. I find natural and logical consequences to be helpful in times like these.

None of the above examples are very logical or natural. And although cutting children off from computer and television usage probably won't hurt them one bit, it might not teach them the lesson the parent hopes they will learn.

Natural consequences are natural outcomes of a person's behavior. If you play in the rain, you get wet. If you don't do your homework, you get a poor grade. If you stick your tongue on metal when it's freezing, you will be in pain—and stuck. If you come home late for supper, you eat alone and clean up the dishes. If you're in a bad mood and yell at your friends, they leave to play with someone else for a while. These situations usually don't need any additional discomfort to make the lesson stick. Wet clothes, a bad grade, a sore tongue, a lonely dinner and playing alone are usually enough to help the child decide to do something differently next time.

For children too young or inexperienced to come up with options for the next time, parents can be very helpful. A child may choose to save money for an umbrella or rain suit, or stay indoors on rainy days. He may decide to purchase a watch or carry an alarm clock to be home for dinner on time. The child may learn to hold his tongue so his friends don't leave and so he doesn't get stuck to the pump handle either.

Adults who help children find positive alternatives are providing a whole new way to think about the mistakes they make. When mistakes become opportunities to learn, the lesson really sticks.

Logical consequences are easy to mix up with natural ones, but they aren't the same. Adults can't let natural consequences occur when there is potential harm involved. Children need to be stopped when they head into the street or reach for a hot burner. It would be neglectful to let those injuries occur. Likewise, poor eating or sleeping habits that are detrimental to the child's long-term health are also negative consequences that parents are aware of and would like to avoid.

Jane Nelson, Lynn Lott and H. Stephen Glenn, in their book "Positive Discipline A-Z: 1,001 Solutions to Everyday Parenting Problems," remind parents not to disguise punishment as logical consequences. To be a logical consequence, they contend, it must follow the three R's. It has to be related to the mistaken behavior, respectful and reasonable for both parent and child.

The book also offers eight tips for determining if the consequence is truly logical. Consider some of these questions while we go back and rethink our introductory situations. Is it obvious? Does it focus on solutions? Is the child involved in finding the solution? Is it future oriented?

In each of these situations, the answer is "no." The child is simply being punished, and the punishment doesn't even fit the offense. The natural consequence would be a stolen, wet or broken bike. Listening and helping the child figure out how he will remedy the situation are two ways parents can be useful at times like these. Buying, drying or fixing would not be helpful behaviors. They would only be rescue attempts.

Some logical consequences might include having the child go out to put the bike away, making a sign that reminds him to put it away each time, or working with the parent to clean out a spot in the garage or shed that is handy and inviting to getting the bike in the right spot. There may be many other ideas that would be related, respectful and reasonable in this situation. When parent and child work together on solutions, not only is the bike cared for but the child learns how to care for it. Yell at a child to put his bike away, and it gets shoved in the garage for the night. Teach a child why and how to care for the bike, and he will have the bike—and a new skill—for a lifetime.

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More than 100 Parent Line columns are in the book "Please Tell Me This is Just a Stage." To order, send $9.95 per copy to Distribution Center, Box 5655, NDSU, Fargo, ND 58105-5655.

Kim Bushaw answers the Parent Line, an information and listening support line for North Dakota parents from the NDSU Extension Service. Call the Parent Line at 1-800-258-0808 (231-7923 in Fargo) with questions about this column and other parenting topics. The Parent Line is answered 7:30 a.m. - 9:15 p.m. Monday through Thursday and 7:30 a.m. - 4:00 p.m. Friday.

Source: Kim Bushaw (701) 231-1070

Editor: Becky Koch (701) 231-7875