NEWS for North Dakotans
Agriculture Communication, North Dakota State University
7 Morrill Hall, Fargo, ND 58105-5665

June 6, 1999

Kim Bushaw, Parent Line Program Specialist
NDSU Extension Service

Have you heard the one about the family that continued to cook a pot of oyster stew every Christmas Eve even after all the oyster stew eaters had either died or left the family in other ways?

How about the family that was so large they never even tried to get together for the holidays once their 12 children were grown and had families of their own? Instead they created their own special family times around the opening of hunting and fishing seasons in the woods where everyone could spend time together, break off into small groups, or even retreat to their individual tents and campers.

Or how about the family that turned into morning people just to get a meal together? This family had always enjoyed their family dinner together when their children were young. By the time the children were in high school with part-time jobs and extracurricular activities, there were fewer evenings everyone could be on time for dinner. The whole group decided to wake up earlier and make breakfast the family meal of the day. This took patience, dedication and planning, but the end results were worth their combined efforts.

"The Intentional Family: How to Build Family Ties in Our Modern World" by William Doherty, director of marriage and family therapy at the University of Minnesota, is a book that addresses many aspects of family ritual. He talks about how intentional families control their time rather than letting circumstances take over their lives and schedules.

Doherty notes that some families really enjoy their rituals. Celebrating the hunting and fishing openers as a family event or getting up early to enjoy time together are examples of rituals these families obviously enjoyed. Families also have rituals that they may not enjoy but are stuck with. The oyster stew crew might fit here. They can't bear to have a celebration without the dish even though it has outlived its enjoyment.

Doherty discusses step by step how we can create new rituals to become intentional in our routines and celebrations and even refurbish some old rituals that need a little adjustment.

Why bother, you ask? "The Intentional Family" outlines four important reasons to develop rituals within the family. For one, it makes family life predictable. If everyone knows that dinner is served at about the same time each night or that all family members will be present at birthday parties, children can feel secure in that knowledge. Chaos and second guessing is gone, and order prevails.

Rituals also help families stay connected. A dad and daughter jogging each evening affords both time to exercise and visit. Time alone with Mom after school to go though the backpack or 10 minutes of time alone with a parent before bed can help children "empty" their day to a caring ear. Parents and children both benefit from being connected by an intentional ritual.

Rituals also help families form an identity. The brother who lives in Hawaii always calls at 9 p.m. on New Year's Eve because he knows his siblings and their spouses and children will be gathered at his parents' home by then to play board games and usher in the new year, just as they always did as kids with aunts, uncles and cousins. This family identifies itself by who is included in its fun-loving celebrations.

The intentional family can also teach its young members what it values by its rituals. Attending religious ceremonies, volunteering and visiting elderly members are but three ways families might enact their values.

Intentional families have many potential distractions to overcome: television, friends, the phone, baseball, work, the doorbell, soccer practice, clubs, cleaning, appointments, bowling, committees, ballet . . . The list of opportunities goes on and on. How can we tame the schedules, hold the opportunities at bay, snub the clubs and at the same time, put some real effort into those important parts of belonging to a family?

Intentionally seems the obvious answer. It's up to us.

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More than 100 Parent Line columns are in the book "Please Tell Me This is Just a Stage." To order, send $9.95 per copy to Distribution Center, Box 5655, NDSU, Fargo, ND 58105-5655.

Kim Bushaw answers the Parent Line, an information and listening support line for North Dakota parents from the NDSU Extension Service. Call the Parent Line at 1-800-258-0808 (231-7923 in Fargo) with questions about this column and other parenting topics. The Parent Line is answered 7:30 a.m. - 9:15 p.m. Monday through Thursday and 7:30 a.m. - 4:00 p.m. Friday.

Source: Kim Bushaw (701) 231-1070

Editor: Becky Koch (701) 231-7875