June 28, 2001

Keys to Good Family Communication

Just how important is it that we communicate with our families? "Men and women consistently rate communication as one of the most important elements of family life," says Sean Brotherson, North Dakota State University Extension Service family science specialist. "Particularly when it comes to the well-being of their marriage."

Good communication is called the "the lifeblood of any meaningful, close relationship," according to Brotherson. "People need to know where they stand on how the other person feels and what they need to do to maintain a quality relationship. Communication is at the heart of that process."

Strengthening family communication so that it is consistently open, positive and meaningful is important for building better family relationships. Brotherson has some advice on how to improve.

"Communication isn’t just verbal, it’s also about the gestures that we use, the tone of voice, the emotion and then correctly understanding all that is taking place is really critical," says Brotherson. "For example, if a person’s spouse is talking to them and asks them to do something and they say ‘yeah, I hear you’ with their lips but is reading a book and not paying attention, that really means that they are not interested in what the spouse has to say. So the overall message being sent by the communication may be very different than the words being stated. So being attentive to all those aspects is very important."

It often takes several positive messages in a relationship to outweigh the bad effect of one negative message. So being attentive to the positive messages that are sent is critical. "There’s lots of different ways to do this but simply being attentive to what the other person values and then expressing something that shows you’re attentive can make a difference," notes Brotherson. "For example, telling a daughter that you really appreciated the fact she cleaned up her room. It could also be something as simple as a smile and calling someone by name when they walk in a room. It requires a little more effort but it can make all the difference in the quality of relationships we have."

Other positive messages are the sharing of personal feelings or ideas, being patient and kind, expressing affection with a hug or a gift or doing an act of kindness.

Brotherson says an important part of communication is the art of listening. "Nothing builds quality relationships faster than in depth, careful, caring listening. Put down what you’re doing, pay attention to what they’re saying, look them in the eye and try to understand the emotions they’re trying to communicate. The more attention you pay, the more depth it brings to your communication with that person."

For more information on strengthening family communication, contact Brotherson at (701) 231- 6143 or e-mail at sbrother@ndsuext.nodak.edu .

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Source: Sean Brotherson, (701) 231-6143, sbrother@ndsuext.nodak.edu
Editor: Rich Mattern, (701) 231-6136, Richard_Mattern@ndsu.nodak.edu

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