July 5, 2001

Tips for Solving Family Communication Problems

Communication is how we solve problems, so it’s important for family members to keep lines of communication open with each other. "If you are trying to solve a problem, you have to be attentive to whether people are prepared to problem solve rather than simply to debate, disagree or criticize," says Sean Brotherson, North Dakota State University Extension Service family science specialist. "In order to foster good family communication, it is important for each family member to feel their ideas will be heard and respected."

Brotherson has some suggestions for fostering open communication in your family:

• Listen with sensitivity and speak with respect for feelings when an issue is raised.
• Allow different family members to take the lead in discussing family concerns.
• Make sure that all family members have a chance to offer ideas.
• Avoid letting a discussion become a gripe session that distracts from clear communication.
• Focus on sharing feelings and making suggestions rather than finding a solution.

"If you’re going to try to communicate about a problem and solve it, it’s usually wise to prepare yourself ahead of time," notes Brotherson. "Make sure you’re both going to talk at a time when both of you are ready. For example, you might have a rule that you avoid discussion of serious concerns late at night because you’re both hungry, in a hurry or tired."

It may also be wise to have a clear idea of what you wish or need to discuss and avoid other topics. You may want to share your feelings about what is bothering you and why you would like to discuss it and find a solution.

"You also need to determine if you and the other person are emotionally ready to discuss the issue of concern," says Brotherson. "Sometimes you may be ready to discuss something but the other person may or may not be receptive. You need to ask yourself whether others are preoccupied, tired, defensive or really ready to talk about an issue. Some issues take time and patience to discuss or work through, so assess the level of willingness to discuss a concern and the pace at which it should move."

There are several ways to work through an issue according to Brotherson. He suggests brainstorming together to find ideas and solutions to a concern. Get a variety of ideas and put those ideas on paper before beginning to make judgements. "Then decide which suggestions are most possible or desirable, then drop the rest from the list. Also, talk about the possible outcomes for each choice and the best solution."

Working through an issue should involve the sharing of feelings in a healthy and respectful way. Exchange ideas or preferences. Give the other person "the floor" to speak while you listen, then trade off. From there, find a solution that family members can agree on or compromise to reach a decision. Then take steps to implement it.

Brotherson says it’s a good idea, once the solution is implemented, to study the effects. "Set a time to follow up and evaluate the decision made and discuss how it is working."

###

Source: Sean Brotherson, (701) 231-6143, sbrother@ndsuext.nodak.edu
Editor: Rich Mattern, (701) 231-6136, Richard_Mattern@ndsu.nodak.edu

Click here to download an Audio clip to accompany this story. (660KB wav file)