September 25, 2003

 

Parents and Teens: Changes in Communication Patterns

As children reach adolescence, communication patterns between parents and teens need to be assessed and changed. Teens start to question family rules and decisions, which is often hard for parents to deal with. However for teens, the questioning of their own beliefs and the beliefs of others is part of growing up says Karin Bartoszuk, North Dakota State University Extension Service child and adolescent specialist.

"This ‘questioning’ is actually positive for teens which may be difficult for some parents to believe," Bartoszuk says. "For teens to move into adulthood, they need to learn to make important decisions about themselves and others. As teens begin to practice these decision- making skills, it sometimes appears as if they are always disagreeing with their parents’ point of view."

For parents, it is often hard to set limits to ensure their teens’ safety while simultaneously leaving enough room for teens to explore ideas and experiences. One important message parents and teens should be aware of is "with more freedom also comes more responsibility." So new privileges as well as new responsibilities need to be negotiated and arranged.

Here are tips for negotiating disagreements between parents and teens:

1. Establish ground rules, such as being civil during a disagreement, and treating each other with respect. This means avoiding screaming, sarcasm, and name-calling. Truly listen to each other’s points of view.
2. Make sure that you understand each other’s point of view, and how each of you feels about the issue. This can be accomplished by rephrasing what the other person said.
3. Brainstorm about possible solutions. At this point don’t worry about how good the solutions are. You also can set a time limit so you do not have to consider too many solutions.
4. Select one or more of the options/solutions you came up with. Do not try to discuss every option. Each of you picks the one that you like most. Now compare them—hopefully you picked one or more options that are the same.
5. After you have reached an agreement—write it down. If you have it in writing nobody can misinterpret the agreement.
6. After all this has been done, don’t forget to set time aside for a follow up discussion at a later date. Discuss whether the agreement worked. What worked well, what did not work well? What have you learned from this process?

"If this does not work the first time you try it, don’t get discouraged," Bartoszuk says. "It also depends on the topic you agreed to work on. Some are easier and some are harder to take on."

###

Source: Karin Bartoszuk, (701) 231-8488, Karin.Bartoszuk@ndsu.nodak.edu
Editor: Rich Mattern, (701) 231-6136, richard.mattern@ndsu.nodak.edu