Submitted by: agcomm,  Thu Dec  4 10:39:01 1997


Parent Line:  The First Celebration Without That Special Someone 
 
Kim Bushaw, Parent Line Program Specialist
NDSU Extension Service
 
     Even as we gear up for this exciting holiday time of year,
we recognize that not everyone is exuberant about facing the
weeks ahead. For some this is the first holiday season since the
loss of a family member. Celebrating seems almost out of the
question. The natural reaction of some folks might be to pull out
the big red ink stamper and stamp "cancel" on top all the
festivities. At this point it may seem the easy way, but is it
best? 
     If the loss is due to a death, this will be a good time to
surround yourself and family with supportive people. One widowed
mother remembers how she waited to be invited to her late
husband's brother's home as usual for Thanksgiving dinner. When
the invitation didn't come, she realized that the grief was too
much for his family and seeing her and her children would be a
reminder of the brother now missing from his place at the table.
     She vowed to invite family and friends to celebrate
Christmas with her and the children before they were omitted
again. When people offered to bring a dish to pass, she gladly
took them up on it. Suddenly instead of the hollow loneliness she
had felt at Thanksgiving, she realized that perhaps life could be
OK, just different, when she instigated instead of waited for the
invitation.
     Talking about the person who has died any day, even during
the holidays, can help children better understand that life is to
be celebrated and death doesn't need to bring the fear and
silence that sometimes result. Everyone adds to the rituals and
traditions of the holidays -- from Grandma's famous cheese buns
to the hayride behind Uncle Kevin's tractor. Losing any member
will change the face of the family and the flavor that person
brought to it. Remember him or her in whatever unique way your
family agrees upon. 
     Plan to do something different. This might mean a change in
location or menu or just having an event to look forward to
during the day. Consider ice skating, cross-country skiing or a
brisk walk to refresh and revive the group. One widower whose
family is grown celebrates Christmas early and takes a cruise in
warm weather with a group of friends. 
     If the loss has occurred because of divorce, there may be
issues of visitation to consider.  Although both parents may want
the children to see their side of the family on a particular
holiday, the miles and timing sometimes leave children with more
time in transit than with the relatives. Adults, even though they
are strongly moved by tradition and emotion, should still be able
to put their own wishes aside to make the holidays peaceful for
the children. Consider alternating big holidays, celebrating at
one house a week earlier or later, and avoiding last-minute
changes of plan.
     Under the best of circumstances, adding extended family
members to arrangements can complicate plans.  Divorced parents
may feel extra burdened to have children at particular family
events. Any disagreements over plans should be ironed out away
from the children.  Any day with your children can be cause to
celebrate.  Try to remember that these special times are for
making memories, not misery.
     If the loss is linked to a move, use technology to keep in
touch. Fax several greetings throughout the day.  E-mail the
details of the turkey dinner or the gift exchange as it happens
or shortly thereafter. Videotape a live greeting card to send to
the people who are missing the event. Have them send you an audio
or videotape too. Of course, the old-fashioned phone call or
letter is always welcome too.
     If you are the family who has moved, consider starting your
own traditions while keeping a few old ones. Talk about the next
time you will be able to join friends and family from the old
neighborhood.
     Recognize that losses bring their own grief and that
holidays can be especially trying. Careful preplanning and open
communication can help all family members through the first
difficult celebrations missing those special people.
                              ###
NDSU Agriculture Communication
Source: Kim Bushaw (701) 231-1070
Editor: Becky Koch (701) 231-7875