Submitted by: agcomm,  Thu Dec 11 09:42:28 1997


Parent Line: Twelve Teen
 
Kim Bushaw, Parent Line Program Specialist
NDSU Extension Service
 
     "The number and size of the shoes piled on the back porch
astound me at times. Our 12- year-old has bigger feet than her
mother, and recently I've noticed her shoes getting closer to my
men's size."
     "My son just turned 12, and I've heard so many horror
stories about the teen years, I feel that I'm hanging onto the
last year of happiness by a one-year thread." 
     "I see many different stages of development in the sixth
graders I talk to around the school. Some seem so childlike yet,
and others are more like adults. Sometimes you can witness both
stages in the same student in the course of a day."
     Twelve-year-olds are generally delightful, easygoing
children. There are glimpses of childhood in the excitement they
can't hide for holidays and birthdays, good grades, visits from
friends, vacations or a new shirt. But more and more, the
12-year-old will begin to show some restraint and even manners in
the presence of adults. He can read Mom's glance now--the one
that says, "Don't take another roll until company's gone." Or
maybe, just maybe, he doesn't even need "the glance" to know that
waiting is the right thing to do. 
     Physical growth is rapid with the onset of puberty. On
average, this growth spurt will begin in girls at age 10 to 12,
and boys will begin theirs around age 12 to 14. Attend any
middle- school event and note the vast differences in the
physical growth of these kids. 
     I vividly remember a number of occasions over the years when
my mother invited a friend and her son for coffee. The boy was
within days of my same age. Each time we would get together, our
moms would make us stand next to each other to see who was
taller. This was a chore that usually took some coaxing. We
remained relatively even in the early years, but by the time
puberty rolled around for me, I shot up and left him in the dust.
Mostly I remember not minding the comparison as much as he did
that year. Within two years he had taken the height lead and also
didn't mind standing next to me.
     I can only assume that he has remained the taller of us.
Once we started liking to stand next to each other, our moms
stopped asking us to.
     Socially the 12-year-old may change some friendships,
especially if this age happens to coincide with a different
school building full of new choices. Children who are deeply
involved with a sport, an instrument or another type of activity
may find new friends who share the same interests. Where younger
children often like another child for her toys, the 12-year-old
can appreciate people for whom they are and what they are like,
not just their possessions. 
     Speaking of possessions, "stuff" still seems pretty
important to many this age. There are a number of ways to acquire
"stuff" in the mind of the 12-year-old. One way is to ask a
parent for it. This, of course, is the way to get the things one
really needs, like clothing, for instance. 
     Negotiating prices, brands and styles takes patience and
finesse. Many parents will agree to pay a base price and allow
their child to pay the difference for the brand name item. 
     I always point out just how much that tag costs compared to
the price of the item, and my children always groan. It's a
family ritual I'm sure they will repeat with their own children,
even though they tell me their kids will get anything they want.
     Another way to get something is to drop hints to your
friends and relatives around birthday time. Of course, working
for pay to buy stuff is always an option. Entertaining younger
siblings, starting dinner, doing yard work--there are a number of
possibilities available for the industrious youngster.
     Unfortunately, another way to acquire stuff is to steal it.
Parents need to keep a keen eye on the things they see coming
home. If you suspect the child is stealing, don't trap him into
lying too. Let him know what you're thinking, and work out a
solution together. Discipline based on natural and logical
consequences and problem solving is often effective as the
12-year-old continues to develop his internal controls.
     Twelve can be a very good year, but it certainly doesn't
need to be the last good one. A solid foundation of time together
and mutual respect can serve as a great base for many more
wonderful years to follow.
 
More than 100 Parent Line columns are in the book "Please Tell Me
This is Just a Stage." To order, send $9.95 per copy to
Distribution Center, Box 5655, NDSU, Fargo, ND 58105-5655. 
 
Kim Bushaw answers the Parent Line, an information and listening
support warmline for North Dakota parents from the NDSU Extension
Service. Call the Parent Line at 1-800-258-0808 (231- 7923 in
Fargo) with questions about this column and other parenting
topics. 
                              ###
NDSU Agriculture Communication
Source: Kim Bushaw (701) 231-1070
Editor: Becky Koch (701) 231-7875