Submitted by: agcomm,  Thu Dec 18 12:35:24 1997


Parent Line:  "No, Daddy. Mommy do it!"
 
Kim Bushaw, Parent Line Program Specialist
NDSU Extension Service
     
     Daddy, the man formerly known as Brian, is a capable,
competent soul--or at least he thought he was until the day his
16-month-old daughter Lilly turned on him and decided that her
dad was incapable of helping her with anything.       
     At first Brian was shocked that Lilly suddenly seemed to
prefer her mother's over his care. With time it became worrisome,
and now it's just plain annoying.       
     As Brian and his wife looked back over Lilly's short life,
it was easy to see where she might have gotten the feeling that
Mom is the best, the only one to call on when help is needed. For
starters, Brian's business isn't the kind that can run itself for 
long stretches, so when Lilly was born Jane took leave from her
work and stayed home. Brian immediately felt pressure to work
harder and longer hours to support his growing family.
     Jane felt a little put out by Brian's absence. She kicked
into high gear and set out to be the best parent ever. She read
parenting books, watched parenting videos, joined a group for new
parents and spent every waking moment attending to Lilly's    
needs.
     Both parents were doing the best at what they felt driven to
do to make their family work. The problem was Lilly saw her
mother as a caregiver and her dad as an occasional playmate. Once
they discovered why Lilly seemed to trust Dad less with her    
care, both Jane and Brian made a commitment to slowly change some
of their usual ways of dealing with their little daughter.
     At first Jane thought that making an elaborate chart with
all the routines she had established with Lilly might be most
helpful. Brian grimaced. The solution--both parents worked
together with Lilly for a while. This gave all three of them a
chance to see that routines could be carried out in a variety of
ways. It also gave Lilly the opportunity to get used to her dad
caring for her in a different way.       
     Jane took an account of all the activities Lilly enjoys the
most. Bath time, reading books before bed and outdoor walks all
top the list of Lilly's favorites. Brian took over these
responsibilities first when he wanted to share time alone with
his little girl. As Jane watched how successful Brian was with
Lilly, she trusted him more--and Lilly felt it. She too decided
that Daddy could cut her toast and pull her wagon just as well as
Mommy.
     It was obvious to Brian that Lilly enjoyed choosing some
things for herself.  When she asked for a drink, he would hold
out two sippy cups for her to pick from. Even when she couldn't
choose who would retrieve the drink, at least she could pick    
the container.
     Brian noticed that when he complimented Jane on her ability
to step back and let him do more of the caregiving his own way,
she was more likely to do just that. When Jane remarked how much
she appreciated the extra time she had when Brian cared for
Lilly, she noticed how much more frequently that happened too.
Lilly noticed how good it felt to be in such a positive
atmosphere and squawked much less often about minor
inconveniences.
     Daddy has moved up to best face washer and game player in
Lilly's mind. She actually requests "Daddy help" a good share of
the time now.       
     Lilly still prefers Mommy when she feels ill. Jane secretly
covets having some specialty, even if it is to nurse a wound or
hold a fevered child. With flu season just around the corner,
Brian says this exclusion is fine with him.       
 
More than 100 Parent Line columns are in the book "Please Tell Me
This is Just a Stage." To order, send $9.95 per copy to
Distribution Center, Box 5655, NDSU, Fargo, ND 58105-5655.
      
Kim Bushaw answers the Parent Line, an information and listening
support warmline for North Dakota parents from the NDSU Extension
Service. Call the Parent Line at 1-800-258-0808 (231-7923 in
Fargo) with questions about this column and other parenting
topics.
                               ###
NDSU Agriculture Communication       
Source: Kim Bushaw (701) 231-1070
Editor: Becky Koch (701) 231-7875