Submitted by: agcomm,  Wed Dec 31 10:25:49 1997


Parent Line:  Teaching in Small Steps
 
Kim Bushaw, Parent Line Program Specialist
NDSU Extension Service
 
     Babies cry when they need something. Crying isn't a pleasant
sound. It's meant as a signal, like a smoke detector or an alarm
clock. It is the baby's way of communicating her needs. Parents
are supposed to dislike that sound so they take heed and fix
whatever is wrong. 
     It seems that in the area of sleeping, parents often take an
all-or-nothing approach. Because babies, especially first babies,
are so much fun to hold--not to mention new parents are too tired
to move--we tend to hold them right through their naps. We feed
and rock and sing them to sleep.
     As the baby gets older, he begins to depend on all this help
to fall asleep. These habits become his sleep associations. You
probably have some of your own, but they don't impose on anyone
else so they aren't a problem. Reading a chapter, listening to
the news, sleeping with two pillows--these can all be adult sleep
associations. Have you ever tried to sleep on the wrong side of
the bed or had to sleep in a different position because of an
injury? 
     Not having your sleep associations can make it harder to
fall asleep. When parents decide, usually at some point in the
first year, that their baby will learn to sleep on her own, they
jump right from the rocking, cuddling, feeding, singing routine
to the dreaded "cry it out" approach.
     In the first year of life, babies are learning to trust
their caregivers. When the caring adult responds to the child's
needs, it does not spoil her but rather allows her to trust her
parents and her environment. This trust leads the child to more
self-sufficiency, not less. 
     Separation anxiety can also appear this first year. Crying
it out may make these two stages difficult for parents.
     There are other choices between those two opposite ends of
the spectrum.  
     One approach is teaching in small steps. Just like a child
in her mother's heels is learning to walk in those shoes by using
small steps, the baby can learn to fall asleep in small steps.
This is weaning, if you will, from being put to sleep by a parent
to learning to fall asleep on his own.
     As with learning the new skills needed on a job, the baby
will need some time and patience to learn the new skills to fall
asleep on his own.  
     There needs to be support and some replacements for the old
habits or associations. You may want to establish a new
association for the child. Holding a blanket or some other
comfort item while you feed and rock is one way to introduce a
substitute. 
     Establish a short routine and follow it. Put the baby in his
crib and let him know you will be back to check on him. You can
stay in the room in a chair next to the crib and read a book to
yourself if you need to. Return to check the child every couple
of minutes if you choose to leave. Don't pick him up, but be
kind. Keep returning every few minutes. Stretch this out to 4 or
5 minutes later in the week.
     The baby still may cry and cry harder when you return, but
he only wants your help to fall asleep. He doesn't understand
that he is learning a new skill. Adjust this so it works for you
and so your baby doesn't feel abandoned.
     Don't do this if you aren't ready. Remember, helping a child
learn good sleep patterns is an important job of parents.
     Here's the really good news. When the baby learns to fall
asleep on his own, he is less likely to need help falling asleep
when he wakes in the night. He will simply make himself
comfortable in the surroundings he is used to falling asleep in
and go back to sleep. Pleasant dreams!
 
More than 100 Parent Line columns are in the book "Please Tell Me
This is Just a Stage." To order, send $9.95 per copy to
Distribution Center, Box 5655, NDSU, Fargo, ND 58105-5655. Kim 
 
Bushaw answers the Parent Line, an information and listening
support warmline for North Dakota parents from the NDSU Extension
Service. Call the Parent Line at 1-800-258- 0808 (231-7923 in
Fargo) with questions about this column and other parenting
topics.                               
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NDSU Agriculture Communication
Source: Kim Bushaw (701) 231-1070
Editor: Becky Koch (701) 231-7875