North Dakota State University
NDSU Extension Service
A newsletter for parents of second-grade children from the North Dakota State University Extension Service
Positive reinforcement is the most effective way to motivate children and help them feel good about who they are. When giving positive reinforcement, let the child know why she is receiving it -- and mean what you say. It is important to be specific and sincere.
Avoid saying, "Johnny, you have done a good job." Say specifically what he did. "Johnny, you did a good job on your addition and subtraction tables." Being too general with positive reinforcement may appear phony to the child.
Parents can easily make the mistake of offering long-range rewards to children. It does not work to offer Tom, a second-grader, a new bike for his birthday in November if he'll keep his room straight in July. Children do not have the mental capacity or maturity to hold a long-range goal in mind day after day. Time moves slowly for them, so the reward seems impossible to reach and uninteresting.
Send the right message. Encourage effort rather than demand results.
If you reward your child only for completed tasks well done, your child may interpret your message as, "To be worthwhile, you must meet my standards." The result may be that she will develop unrealistic standards and learn to measure worth only by how closely she approaches perfection.
If you focus only on personal gain for your child, he may believe you're saying, "You're the best -- and you must remain superior to others to be worthwhile." The result may be that your child will learn to be overcompetitive, to get ahead at the expense of others, to feel worthwhile only when he is No. 1.
If you recognize your child's efforts and improvement, the message he will get is, "You don't have to be perfect. Effort and improvement are important." The likely result is that he will learn to appreciate the efforts of himself and others and be more willing to try again.
Children need encouragement and approval. One way to be positive about guidance is to tell the child what behavior you want rather than what you do not want. Instead of saying, "Don't leave your school books on the couch," try saying, "I want you to pick up your school books and put them on the shelf." By phrasing your expectations in a positive way, you avoid challenging the child.
Another way of offering positive guidance is to let the child choose to do something rather than telling the child not to do something. Instead of saying, "You can't go out without a coat," try asking, "Do you want to wear your coat or your sweater?" This gives the child a sense of control. Of course, the child may say, "Neither," in which case you can explain why the coat or sweater is needed. You set a limit, communicate it clearly and avoid being negative.
When problems occur, ask yourself what the underlying causes for the misbehavior mightbe. (See chart.)
Goals of Misbehavior
When problems occur, ask yourself what the underlying cause of the misbehavior might be.
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Child's Parent feeling
Child's goal faulty belief and reaction Child's response Alternatives
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Attention I belong only FEELING: Temporarily stops Ignore misbehavior when
when I am Annoyed misbehavior. when possible. Give
being noticed REACTION: Later resumes attention for positive
or served. Tendency to same behavior behavior when child is
remind and or disturbs in not making a bid for it.
coax. another way. Avoid undue service.
Realize that reminding,
punishing, rewarding,
coaxing and service are
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Power I belong only FEELING: Active- or Withdraw from conflict.
when I am in Angry,provoked passive- Help child see how to
control or as if one's aggressive to use power construc-
am proving no authority is misbehavior is tively by appealing for
one can boss threatened. intensified, or child's help and enlisting
me! REACTION: child submits cooperation. Realize that
Tendency to with defiant fighting or giving in
fight or to compliance. only increases child's
give in. desire for power.
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Revenge I belong only FEELING: Seeks further Avoid feeling hurt.
by hurting Deeply hurt. revenge by Avoid punishment and
others as I REACTION: intensifying retaliation. Build
feel hurt. Tendency to behavior or trusting relationship;
I cannot be retaliate and choosing convince child that
loved. get even. another weapon. she/he is loved.
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Display of I belong only by FEELING: Passively responds Stop all criticism.
lnadequacy convincing others Despair; or fails to Encourage any positive
not to expect hopelessness. respond to what- attempt, no matter how
anything from me. "I give up." ever is done. small; focus on assets,
I am unable;I am REACTION: Shows no don't be hooked into
helpless. Tendency to improvement. pity, and don't give up.
agree with
child that
nothing can be
done.
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R. Dreikurs, Systematic Training for Effective Parenting (STEP) Program, American
Guidance Service.
This newsletter is published for North Dakota families with second-graders by the NDSU Extension Service and distributed through your county extension office. See your extension agent for more parenting information and other home economics programs.
NDSU Extension Service, North Dakota State University of Agriculture and Applied
Science, and U.S. Department of Agriculture cooperating. Sharon D. Anderson, Director,
Fargo, North Dakota. Distributed in furtherance of the Acts of Congress of May 8 and June
30, 1914. We offer our programs and facilities to all persons regardless of race, color,
sex, religion, age, national origin, or disability; and are an equal opportunity employer.
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North Dakota State University
NDSU Extension Service